Let’s get our soldiers to strip down to their Speedos and Victoria Secrets in Afghanistan and see if love and sex is more powerful than guns and bullets

When someone sticks his tongue into an electric socket, it doesn’t create a shocking opinion – it only demonstrates that stupidity never sleeps.

Now I’m not here – just yet – to declare who was French kissing more stupidly: that simpleton, apostate Christian pastor in Gainesville, Florida, where they wear their bible belts so tightly hitched it chokes off the blood flow to their brains — both above and below their charlatan Christian hearts; or the venal, vapid Press corps that coronated him a celebrity for stupidly burning the Koran when there were ten thousand more interesting and pertinent stories that day;  or the positively stupid and abhorrent Afghanis for going absolutely beserko over something so extraneous and meaningless and killing at least 21, including 12 innocent United Nations children of somebody’s imaginary G-d.

Killed them horrendously.


Just like our good Christian soldiers massacred early American Indians. And our Christian guardsmen and state troopers slaughtered the protesters at Kent State and Jackson State. And our Christian federal agents and snipers butchered them in Waco, Tex., and Ruby Ridge, And, of course, our recent Christian ‘kill team’ of American soldiers that allegedly murdered Afghanis for sport.

Hmmm… I guess we all have a deep history of troubled stupidity.

But what’s arguably worse, is that Afghanistan is where our service men and women are spilling their own blood in the mud. Purportedly to bring that country some sort of democracy – like we supposedly have. But hopefully something with less arcane esoterica of caucuses, conventions, primaries and elections decided by  corrupted “chads” in Florida.

So, after all our years of sweat and money there — and after the Russians and all the others before them, and us, have failed with swords and spears and guns and bullets – perhaps we ought to change our historical strategy and go easy on the blood guts.

Instead of, once again, supporting and enriching some ethically-challenged thug like Karzai who is only going to emulate the organized robbing, raping and pillaging of his counterpart American politicians, we ought to help install someone with a healthy, ribald sense of humor. Someone with an eye for the opposite sex and wants to ‘get down,’ unwrap the towel from his head or the hijab from her body. (You know, someone like Bill Clinton.)

In other words, since missles and bombs don’t win the hearts and minds of the masses of hoi polloi, what we ought to do is: Get everybody naked.

It’s simple. Our male soldiers ought to strip down to Speedos and combat boots. And the female GI’s, aided and abetted by thousands of models and Playboy bunnies, should strip down to devilishly naughty red or black Victoria Secrets and high stiletto FMPs.

As the Beatles sang: All you need is love. So give it a chance. What have we got to lose that we already haven’t lost a hundred times in distant posts like Somalia, My Lai and Antietam?

It’s bound to work as well as our inane losing did in Vietnam, and our standoff did with Russia. Can you believe those damn communists edging towards democracy, have had the audacity to become capitalists?

What will quickly happen, this time, is the horny Afghani men, quickly, will be sorely aching; their pants raised into bulging pup tents. And their shackled women will see the possibilities through the slits in their berkas. They can cross their legs. And no matter how many teeth their men knock out they will quickly assess and capitalize on the power they wield.

Of course the sheep and goats will no doubt suffer some curious abuses.

But keep in mind that no modern country has succeeded without “educating” and empowering its women.

Next thing you know, Kabul will become a real party town. And hell, the mark of a good party is that when you wake up the next morning you want to change your name and start a new life in another city.

I wrote something similar to this once years ago when the U.S. was on its high anxiety kick that the communists were bent on infiltrating Central America. I said to let them have it. Let them clean up the mess down there. Then, in a few years, we’ll show up with bikini models and cameras and blue jeans. They will be seduced into becoming American capitalists in a couple of days.

I guess I was right. And of all the correspondence I received only the FBI came to me in protest. They said I was being un-American.

What I am being is sick and tired of us doing the same thing, the same way and expecting different results. That’s called insanity. And I shouldn’t be the only one screaming: Enough!

And enough about these pusillanimous, deleterious bogeymen we call Taliban. When their winkies are up we’ll give them the same choice we should give all people and priests historically opposed to liberty: overcircumcision, castration or transgendering.

Meanwhile, I don’t know — and I don’t really think it should matter anymore than the stuff I flush down the hopper — as why this fool and his failing little church on the prairie of the Florida panhandle felt he had the divine, self-centered monopoly on truth. Like burning the holy Koran is actually going to alter 1500 years of Islamic dogma.


I mean, would a Bible burning change 2000 years of Christian doctrine, or nearly 6,000 years of Jewish tradition?

However, then the slaves of the pack-mentality Press converged on this self anointed pastor of bankrupted religious and Christian morals. And, like many misguided Muslim jihadists and martyrs, this Florida idiot-non-savant started viewing his religious convictions as a science – as something logical, mandatory and righteous.

Man’s a damn fool. And the Press, once more, galloped right in like a run-away stagecoach. We didn’t see this nutcase for exactly what he is – a misanthrope in need of a proctologist – to get his head out of his ass.

As the ancient philosophers warned: As long as we continue to worship our Caesars and Napoleons and Hitlers, etc., they will continue to rise up to make us miserable over and again. And, here was this little megalomaniac looking for a balcony from which to vituperate. Only difference was the size and color of his mustache.

It’s no secret, even to those declared brain-dead, that we have an overwhelming number of fools and an overabundance of stupidity on this planet. And the Afghanis demonstrated they’ve got more than their share.

Anyway, as the story goes, the blood thirsty Afghanis, at least the ones who weren’t busy tending to their poppy fields, were on a search and destroy mission. After hearing about the Florida Koran burning – as meaningless and fatuous as it was — they wanted to hunt down and kill themselves some Amerikanskis. Or, at least folks who didn’t look like they were from Aghanistan — just like we do in Texas — only without the longneck bottles of Pearl beer.

But the Afghanis couldn’t find none of us folks who they seem to identify by our stylish shoes that actually fit our feet. So the mighty mullah told them to shift their sights and kill something Western. I was quite eager to volunteer my ex-wife. But there was a long line of Western husbands already parking their future-exes in front of me.

Now, we know that the Koran thumping Afghanis ain’t exactly your most enlightened bunch of latent wielders of the long knives. They aren’t particularly known for their gracious, understanding and forgiving hospitality. They are quick to blame others. They beat their wives. (Hmmm…) And they live to take offense.

Sounds like a lot of politicians of American democracy, doesn’t it?

The trouble seems to be that the Afghanis, and lots of other orthodox Muslims, don’t comprehend the concept of turning the other cheek. But then again, we have to admit, more wars and killings have been waged in the name of cheek-turning Christianity than for any other good, better or worse reason of a Bible verse. And, of course, we had our leader of the free world, Bush ‘W’, designate our revenge of 911 as a “holy crusade.” Not exactly the best choice of incendiary brayings for a legacy already destined to be more distasteful than underwear skidmarks.

And that’s where all this simply began. With our Press making something of a man who had made nothing of himself, and the Afghanis ignorantly making something of nothing.

It doesn’t matter much whose fault it was; the point is that something terrible happened, and, as usual, a lot of folks got killed because of exponential stupidity.

If a fool burning a book in Florida exposed not only how fragile, but how anti American is the sentiment, then perhaps what we ought to seriously cogitate and rethink what we are doing over there. And how we are doing it.

We can’t change the world unless we first change ourselves. And I am all for changing out of our clothes. Getting naked. Passing out Penthouse magazines, pornography, video cameras. Distributing Viagra and condoms. Strutting our stuff, so to speak. If love isn’t the answer, then, at least, give men and women a chance to get themselves some ‘piece’ of the action.

I understand that when folks are making love they usually aren’t making war.

And dats yDrewIS on DIS penal colony.

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