Everything is gossip. Everything is schadenfraude. Everything is about winning. The truth is irrelevant. All that matters is what people are easily led to believe.
And unfortunately, people would rather believe the worst. Because we are the ready chorus of doom and gloom. Because misery loves company. Because we are self made men who owe our lack of success to nobody.
And when our worst expectations of others don’t come to fruition, we are sorely displeased. Most of us don’t even know how to react. So, we utter silly, stupid, asinine inanities.
Like the other day when the breaking news was that the New York hotel maid’s pernicious, lying doggerel had finally come unstuck.
As a result the embarrassed New York DA now had serious doubts about the accuser’s credibility as to what actually occurred between this Guinea native and the former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn in that $3,000 a night Sofitel Hotel room.
At the time, I had ventured down to a Philadelphia emporium where several Guinea natives often deposit themselves. We have had serious and amusing conversations on the he-said-she-said of this matter. And with their distaste for the French, they, at first, couldn’t support what I wrote in my May 22nd column.
In the essay I said: Everybody lies. Everybody was climbing their ladders of aspirations on this marquee case. Indeed, something happened. But absolutely nothing like what she said, or the police said, or the DA said ever occurred. She had plenty of opportunity to escape. Furthermore, no man sticks his winkie into the jaws of an alligator.
Of course I had had experience in such matters due to my perfidious ex-wife, Stephanie Blatt, and a miserable ADA who figures – since O.J. – that the man is always guilty. Innocence is just an objection.
Of course, when my wife’s story imploded, decimated and cremated, and had to be tossed outta-here, as I said it would, the ADA, Ms. Cathleen E. Thurston, has hid her embarrassed bony buns from view. She has been about as helpful as fire ants on my genitals.
As I was informing the Guinean store proprietor, Sol, of the unraveling of the hotel maid’s case, a rather corpulent, grandmotherly woman whose buttocks squandered across nearly three BarcaLoungers, started spewing that boorish, stupid stuff that even a cesspool doesn’t want to swallow.
This woman, whose only contribution to mankind has apparently been as a testing facility for Pampers, said, as engine-oil leaked from between her deaf hippopotamus ears: “White guy got off because he had more money than that girl from Guinea. Could afford better lawyering…”
Sol, who knows my itchy trigger finger, smiled with eyes that pled: Don’t kill the ill-bred jackal.
I didn’t just want to kill her. But also any of her offspring. Siblings. Husbands. Relatives. And then hang her bloody dog.
I stared through the waste of protozoa for a moment and then barked to Sol: It is one thing to be stoopid, but quite another not to be utilized properly: that is, as logs-on-duh-fire fueling the furnace down at the public utility plant.
Obviously with this woman in mind, it is the only thing I harbor against Michael Vick: he killed the wrong dim-witted pit bulls.
To Sol, the case of the hotel maid and the rich French guy exemplifies American “injustice.”
“Justice, here, is in the mouth,” he said, “Not in the heart.” But then he noted, quite philosophically for Sol: “There is no truth in this world, only agreed upon lies.”
And, he went on to point out that they seemed to be out to get Strauss-Kahn “not because what he may or may not have done, but merely for who he is.”
Now there’s a weird irony of this entire case: Everybody sticking it to Strauss-Kahn and he’s the only one ‘not’ getting any. Now, what was he charged with?
It should be obvious why I am a tad chagrined about this Strauss-Kahn and the conniving hyena case. She can ruin the guy’s life, yet not have her identity divulged in the press.
She can make tons of allegations, and when they aren’t found credible, what is she charged with? For instance, my wife wasn’t charged either.
Who will reimburse Strauss-Kahn for his millions in financial losses. How about the losses to his life? He was going to run for President of France. How about his dignity? And the humility he suffered? What about the transgressions we paraded across his honor?
I ask all these questions, as much for Strauss-Kahn as I also do for myself. For when I asked the female pit bull of my ADA to help me recover some of these things she cost me by aiding and abetting my wife — instead of getting another side of the story by interviewing me — she barked: “Get a lawyer!”
ADA’s must be those bottom feeders that graduated last in those unmarked law schools that graduate anyone named Goofy. I thought she was a lawyer by virtue of the fact she knew how to shine her teeth shinier than her shiny distasteful pant suits.
But what do I know about a venal, vapid voracious institution that unleashes the vermin responsible for the modern day bubonic plague: America has 5 percent of the world’s population yet 70 percent of its lawyers.
And despite that we still have more people in prison than most of the world. Must say something about how bad our lawyers are. Or that the law and prisons aren’t in the justice and rehab business, but merely in business to make money.
I have never liked this Sofitel Hotel case. There are too many fingerprints.
From the outset, too many folks have had personal agendas. Like the Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance, Jr. Remember, his father was Secretary of State under Jimmy Carter. Junior is 57. His biological clock to stake his claim in some marquee fame is tick-tocking away.
And so it went.
Now, undoubtedly, all the abounding lawyers will do a circle jerk and congratulate themselves on what a cheeky job they must be doing. It’s the tail congratulating the dog. You know, the system works. See?
It only works for lawyers getting paid in one day what takes a farm worker all year to earn – and the latter is doing something important.
Most legal matters only require common sense. I have defended myself three times. And won.
Often, when lawyers get involved, stupidity only adds to their billable hours. They make it seem like they’re astutely speaking the august Latin language when they’re only disgorging pig Latin.
Isn’t it amazing that Moses brought down the Big 10. The only difference is that they weren’t laws – they were commandments. And few of us can recite them, the basis of our legal system. Yet, we are often told by DAs and judges with the black robe’s disease that ignorance of the other 10 billion man-made laws is no excuse.
Common Sense would have told us that Strauss-Kahn wasn’t running away on a plane ticket he had purchased a week before. That he wouldn’t have called back to the hotel looking for his phone if he was running. And remember, we were told, by “leaked” sources, that the room looked like he had “left in a hurry.”
Please, our rush to judgment, once again, is a pox on all our houses. We are no different than our ancestors of 500, or 1,000 or even 2,000 years. Our clothes are different, our technology is better, but men are still lusting after naked women, women still want emotional attachments, and our sewage plants are still overflowing.
Here’s a suggestion: Take whatever you do all day, whatever you think all day and whatever you say all day and try to hold it in. That little discomfort you may suffer in your colon doesn’t even begin to empathize with the enemas Strauss-Kahn is going to have to undergo just to rid himself of all our bull…
And dats yDrewIS on DIS penal colony