Whenever I read that a pet boa constrictor has swallowed a young toddler of his host family I always think to myself: Well, that makes sense…Idiots.
Whenever I read how the owner of a couple of pit bulls is surprised and dismayed that his loving canines have feasted on the neighboring family for dinner I always think to myself: Well, that makes sense – even if the owner ain’t got ten-cents on a dollar worth of sense.
Whenever I hear that an escaped murderer is being tracked down by more toothless manpower and guns than exist even in Texas I think to myself: Well, that makes sense – because at least now there won’t be nothing left to execute. That is, if we ever would have the sense to ever execute the sumbitch.
What doesn’t make sense – at least to my MENSA rejected mind – is why those precious few of the world’s diminishing numbers of Bengal tigers, lions, bears, wolves and monkeys were shot and killed in Ohio last week.
They hadn’t committed any crimes. They hadn’t attacked the neighbors. And a poor monkey, merely suspected of having herpes, was blown into outer space. No doubt to keep him from jumping the farmer’s daughter down the road.
I don’t mind killing, especially people. Particularly those self pampered dandies who insist on wearing silk ties and suits with material shaved from the belly of a young goat.
More to the point, I am not here to criticize that jowly sheriff out there in Zanesville, Ohio, any more than all the rest of the world’s witch’s brew of stupidity at work.
Sheriff Matt Lutz did what he thought he had to do. But why is it there is no situation that an officer of the law can’t make worse? I think he reads too many ‘How To’ books — on killing time and other stuff.
Sheriff Lutz said the animals were showing aggressive behavior.
It was a prison break, for crying out loud!
The owner of the 73 acre animal reserve, Terry Thompson, who was in way over his IQ, freed the thundering horde just before he shot himself in the head. Point blank range or not, it was no doubt the first time Thompson ever hit anything at which he was actually aiming.
What I need to know is what constitutes aggressive behavior for wild exotic animals — whose endangered, born-free, lives continue to be decimated by poaching and habitat loss. Next month the world’s population hits 7 billion humans. At the same time, the number of Bengal tigers, in the world, has dipped from 100,000 in the past few decades to less than 3,000.
So, what didn’t they do, sheriff, that made you unholster your cannon? They refuse to show their license and registration when you pulled them over on that freedom trail leading all the way to Canada – no doubt the same highway and roads some of the draft dodgers of the illegal Vietnam War took?
Look, picking on the Sheriff is like shooting dairy cattle with a telescopic lens on a high-powered rifle. But the fact is he had been getting complaints for at least the past 7 years about Thompson’s unique private collection of some 56 tigers, lions, leopards, bears, wolves … et al.
He knew it was there. He, like everyone else, should have recognized potential problems and started building a war chest. Powerful tranquilizers. Nets. Cages. Trailers…
That’s what wins wars, isn’t it. As even President Eisenhower stipulated: Planning is everything.
State law in Ohio, which allows for all these unnatural animal farms, is fraught with unintended consequences. Whoever writes and passes these laws ought to be made to sleep naked with a wild gorilla. For a month.
People have been lobbying to get the laws changed for years. But there must be some moneyed lobbying groups, like the meshugenah Koch brothers, that keep insuring these folks the right to keep Tony the Tiger in a cage.
I don’t care. The fact is I firmly am convinced why we keep so many unusual animals in cages, particularly at the zoo, is not to protect us from them, but them from us.
My old friend Erik Brady, long-time sports cover-story writer for USA Today reminded me of the zoo incident in Buffalo a couple decades back. Three drunken college students climbed into the polar bear aquatic cage. As one of them was about to be digested, the police arrived and shot the bears.
Erik said everyone thought they should have shot the kids. I said you can’t shoot stupidity. “But we should have castrated them,” I said, “so the future won’t have to suffer their stoopider progeny.”
Erik laughed until I, dead panned: “No, I mean it, Erik.”
In America – and in general — we humans prefer to view animals that might not recognize us as King, as a curiosity, from a safe distance or through a caged wall. And for good reason. Animals like alligators, or lions aren’t mean, they’re just primitive – no doubt like my most recent ex-wife, Miss Stephanie.
Hmmm…. Nah, she was damn mean. No doubt why I liked the satanette. At least until she tried to kill me, this last time, before my eyes got uncrossed from that concussion.
In America, alone, we love our pets with an extraordinary obsession. And as long as they don’t eat us we don’t eat them — our dogs, cats, birds and fish. Instead we spend nearly $45 billion on their food, clothing, shelter, treats and medical care.
Now that’s sick. That may be even more than President Karzai and his dead-half brother stole from our ‘humanitarian’ aid to Afghanistan.
I think what I am getting at here – besides the fact that in certain parts of the world Fido is a tasty delicacy (to which I can attest) and cattle are sacred to roam free – is that we have to quit being so fast on the draw — before all we have left to draw on is a memory.
We kill because we practice killing. And like any coach will tell you: you play how you practice.
We mostly kill because we fear. Because we’re stupid. And we practice being stupid. In effect, we fear what we do not understand. So, the more we understand the less we should have to fear.
G-d forbid in this country we should practice planning and thinking. The trouble is most of us may think we are thinking when in fact we are only rearranging our prejudices.
Whatever we do never seems to take us far from yet another OK Corral — where we shoot ourselves in the butt yet again. Perhaps one of these times we will comprehend that Washington, Wall Street and the moneyed 1 percent have been shooting us in the butt for years.
Now, we have lost our ass – not to mention our lions and our deer and our tigers and our elephants and our wolves and our possum and our raccoon and everything else that kept our inept world and single-mother nature in check. We are at a terrible imbalance.
Like the old verse goes: All creatures great and small, the good lord made them all.
We never seem to recognize the importance of what we have until we have it no more. At dawn we march forward to kill dreams. I just wonder, when the hell it is going to dawn on us schmucks there’s a reason for everything – that’s all animals, minerals, vegetables…and even my exes.
And dats yDrewIS on DIS penal colony.