Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. You see how simple the law should be — for animal, mineral or vegetable…

When somebody I barely know asks – especially when it sounds like a regal, imperious demand — what do I do, I often reply, quite earnestly: I sell white women in Africa…

And that, as they say, is often the veritable exclamation point on the conversation stopper.

I rarely ask somebody what they do to make the alimony payments because it’s none of my darn business. I mean, it’s going to come out in the natural course of conversation anyway. But mostly, I guess I don’t ask, because I am afraid he or she is going to burp backwards a mushroom cloud. Assert that he’s my least favorite animal — a lawyer.

And that gets me to having to remind myself that while, for the most part, I have never been knowingly cruel to any creature – even my future-ex-wife with her court-dismissed specious claims — I must assiduously beg the dear lord for strength.

Give me the vitality to resist, oh Big-Guy in the sky. Save me from sticking an entire army of amok orangutans up their holier-than-thou, constipated rectums before they inevitably stick them up mine.

I am talkin’ ‘bout those venal, vapid, vile varmints whose legal pettifoggery assist fellow lip-smacking gluttons to be the only creatures in the beast of burden chain-gang that eat purely for pleasure and kill for sheer joy.

Such loathsome rubbish makes it unproblematic in differentiating between the accident scenes of finding a dead skunk and a dead lawyer each in the middle of the road: First of all, the lawyer wasn’t an accident – it was pure joy. His demise didn’t even raise a stink.

Obviously, the only reason many of these inhuman anthropomorphic homo sapiens are alive is because it’s against the law – even if you claim it to be ‘Youth-in-Asia’ for all of our common good. I mean, we shoot suffering horses and other animals for their common good, don’t we?

After all, was I misinformed? I couldn’t have been the only one with a dear ol’ bourbon sippin’ Pappy who taught me that man was just another schmuck in the chain of dumb animals. Obviously the one who piggishly stipulates exceptions to the ‘Animal Farm’ rules that reign over all the other parading dunces – that is, except lawyers and other artificial heart donors.


All of this coalesced into my primitive medulla oblongata the other day when I got to reading about this lawyer in Texas.

She just authored “Careers in Animal Law: Welfare, Protection and Advocacy.” At first I thought it was a self-help book for those legal beagles self-afflicted with their usual disorder of overt narcissism. But it is deemed to be the first guidebook of its kind released by the American Bar Association to help our little furry friends.

In case you’ve been sick or abroad, the ABA is that ignoble judicial mental institution which consists of overdressed, over-coifed legal and mostly duplicitous mercenaries with clean and polished fingernails. It has all of the virtues I don’t admire; and none of the vices I do.


Duh book, meanwhile, apparently provides outside-the-kitty-box ideas for lawyers seeking to find additional venues of work. And perhaps help them to actually comprehend, at least a tad, the incipient field of animal law — whether they are overdosing on their psychotropic pharmaceuticals, or not.

As if those sophists need any help in exhibiting they are the only monster that isn’t punished for ignorance of the law!

But what absolutely flabbergasts me is the simple scientific, religious and metaphysical verity that we don’t need more laws for anything with a pulse. Or playing possum.

In case you haven’t noticed: We got trillions and gazillions suicidal, contradictory, defunct, absurd ,irrelevant, oxymoronic and illegal laws on duh books already – for any animal, mineral or vegetable.

Meanwhile, what are there?… 10 commandments that made it to the Big Top. And how about those160 or so other ones?

For the sake of common sense, let me ask: With all these man-made laws and G-d’s commandments how come the folks at Bear Stearns couldn’t feel the abomination of their sins — of lying, cheating, stealing and the treachery of their derivative mortgages – deep into their Viagra loins?

Did they even beg for forgiveness?

Hmm…If they need some practice in art of begging, perhaps they should try having sex with my ex-Miss-Stephanie.

But of course!

Does any of this news arrive with the usual overdose of shock and dismay?  Isn’t the time always right to do the right thing – whether there is a law or not?

Why do some folks – a vast minority, I agree — do what is moral and right without being commanded? While the vast array of the rest of us meshugenahs  operate only from fear of the law. That is except for Wall Street, Washington, Hollywood, Detroit and all of Mexico. They don’t fear no law. They fear nothing except not getting their bailout bonuses at the end of the year.

So, isn’t it obvious that too many laws result in too little justice for too many outlaws being represented by too many overpaid lawyers?

Look, it’s a simple modus operandi that if you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law. And I’ll respect the law when the law becomes respectable.

They’ve even got a saying in China that goes: Where there are too many policemen, there is no liberty. Where there are too many soldiers, there is no peace. Where there are too many lawyers, there is no justice.

And it is definitely no top secret anymore that someone or some folks in our criminal and incivil legal system kidnapped justice and hid it in the law.

We know what is morally right and wrong for man and his pets and even his heart clogging cheese steak wiz. It’s downright innate. G-d don’t equivocate. He doesn’t make mistakes. Isn’t that how He got to be G-d?

It’s been at least since early Greek days – long after their profligate spending forced them to give up looking gift-horses in duh mouth – that it was officially stipulated: At his best, man is the noblest of all animals. But separated from law and justice he is the abjectly impoverished. And without his spiritual connection he is even more immoral than most lawyers choosing to misrepresent a guilty rich client or an innocent indigent.

Hell, man is what he is – especially when greed is always louder than pro bono. And I know…I know: It is human to be inhuman.

Strictly speaking, however, my transparent interest is not in legal rights for animals but in a change of heart towards animals. And this shouldn’t require any legislation. Indeed, by his treatment of animals we can judge the heart of a man.

As well as his hard-headedness.

For instance, the police and DA in Philadelphia have been, for the last five years, finally enforcing some laws long on the books. Swooping up relatively young men with long rap sheets. And if they have a gun in their possession, impose existing laws. Sentence them to long jail terms.

We already know recidivists are only repeats of their histories. You can blame society. Blame the schools. Blame single mothers. But there comes a time when blame must be blind.

We have more than sufficient laws on the books to keep us civilized. And as long as we don’t allow the legal beagles to be anti-semantic we don’t need to mix more in the witch’s brew, even for animals.

The Platinum rule is: Don’t treat any animal the way you may have been mistreated but how you want people and other animals to treat you.

And that shouldn’t require another government rule. It reminds me that a few years back of another in the long litany of absurdities in the Pennsylvania State House. It was forced to adopt a law to inform its insolent workers — particularly those who get paid money and benefits to labor in the state run liquor stores – that they must actually act polite and be of service to the buying public.

After all it’s the public’s tax dollars that not only buys the whiskey that the the Liquor Control Board is now making the public re-buy at high retail with its own money. But also paying more taxes, again, for it.

“That’s what makes us need a drink,” noted the lady about the ineffable absurdity while she was patiently standing in a long line with me at the State Liquor Store the other night.

And ain’t that duh truth..

The woman who wrote this book on Careers in Animal Law admitted that animal advocacy is not the most profitable area of the law, but sees it as one of the fastest-growing law fields – as it was and is with environmental law.

But while I don’t want to deter anybody’s business pursuits I can’t help but wonder if we wouldn’t treat our animals better if we first learned how to treat our fellow human animal better.

But where do we begin? We can’t even stop bestiality – not to mention sexually harassing each other. And if I assume correctly that the writer in this low profit legal arena is self-employed I can only wonder: Is sexual harassment a problem for the self employed?

And meanwhile, those pasty pusillanimous vegans are wondering: While we ourselves are the living graves of murdered animals, how can we expect any ideal living conditions on this earth? We’re animals. We’re born like every other mammal and we live our whole lives around disguised animal thoughts.

But once again, I will repeat: More laws only creates more outlaws. And worst of all, it creates more business for my least favorite ethnics.

What we animals need is more consequences and enforcement of what already is. That all G-d’s creatures are created to be treated fairly, equally and justly – east, west, north and south of the borderless law. You know, be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.

And dats yDrewIS on DIS penal colony…

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