You can’t make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer. But if lawyers don’t stop their overpriced nonsense then it will be nonsense that finally stops them… For those who live by the sword are shot by those who don’t…

One time I was utterly dumbfounded at the dreadful advice an old friend and big shot lawyer was offering. I blinked once. Twice.  And then so many times my eyelids were changing channels faster than a TV-remote velcroed to his girlfriend’s midnight arse.

Even if he was only offering his two cents I wanted to give him back change. In fact I interrupted with the snort that even though he charges $500 an hour, I was going to pay him 10 times what he was worth: Absolutely nothing!

In perfect honesty, while he may be psychotically overcompensating for a bad case of insecurity, there are times when I like this guy. Not many. But enough. Like quite a few of my friends who I knew when they picked their noses instead of our pockets. That is, before they became the legal criminals of our criminal and incivil justice system.

So, when I was reading about all the dark corruption and international chaos in the Sunday papers I got to thinking: It’s really not any worse than it’s ever been from the very beginning. I mean, how could it be? If G-d created everything you’ve got to wonder why HE created darkness and chaos first — before the light.

Perhaps because chaos is the natural order of things.

A dark thought, indeed.

It just seems worse of late – particularly since August 21, 1878. That was a really, really bad day of more bad luggage being floated and lugged from across the pond. At a meeting in Saratoga, New York, the American Bar Association was founded.

From my Sunday perusing, it seems that the ubiquitous purveyor, as well as lowest common denominator, to many of our worldly and domestic woes — besides the usual suspects of greed, power and stupidity — is simply that there is always at least one ABA lawyer present and unaccounted for.

At the very least!

No wonder the suicide rate – not only for Army vets – but for all of us miserable wretches, is running at its all time high. If you are standing in a courtroom full of greedy, sabotaging lawyers and your gun only had two bullets, who would you shoot?

Yourself!

Twice!

Look, for instance: I understand Hillary is a lawyer. You know, Bill’s wife. Our Secretary of State. While her legs have been up in the air flying all over the globe — Syria, Egypt, Hamas, Taliban, Iraq, Afghanistan and everywhere else – has anything gotten any better?

Admittedly they couldn’t get much worse. But are they any better since she and all those lawyers have been racking up all those billable hours?  Most of them on the public dole — namely our tax dollars.

Indeed: It seems no different than that terrifying joke: Terrorists hijack a planeload of lawyers. And they threaten to release one every hour until their demands are met.

Meanwhile, we’re on a fiscal cliff in America. The European Union has gotten closer to the precipice. And duh lawyers are all over duh place sucking the oxygen out of every room.

At the same time we’ve got more lawyers in Washington smugly performing publicly what most of us are only meekly staging in our bedrooms. In fact we’ve got more lawyers suckling on public funds just in the U.S. capitol than there are attorneys in all of Japan, which has about half the U.S. population.

We are lawyered-out not only in the U.S. Congress but in our state and local legislatures. Didn’t you know that the U.S. of A. is home to two-thirds of the world’s lawyers? We are actually exporting these broken condoms.

And most of them are vying for incompetence with impunity. They are passing or promoting laws that are vague and have loopholes big enough for a herd of amok elephants to trample through.

Why?

Because it’s good for business – usually their business.

For instance, the DROP fund in Philadelphia. It was expressly intended to help retain much needed police and firemen on the job after they become eligible for their retirements and pensions. But every bloodsucking, self serving politician and city employee is finding the same loophole that City Council and its lawyers refuse to close. And everybody is cashing in for hundreds of thousands of dollars each, while continuing to oxymoronically ‘work’ at their city jobs.

We have old laws on the books that are contradicted by new laws. We have a legal system that is running on fading fashion and little style. And meanwhile  lawyers are all assiduously milking the cash-cow while we simple citizens are left yanking at its head and tail battling for our rightful ownership.

Hell, by the time the law gets done mulling what Solomon would have immediately settled by splitting the heifer, there is nothing left worth owning. The poor beast has been milked, slaughtered, butchered and cobbled into designer shoes and Gucci bags.

No one is riding shotgun over their sophistry — especially the big firms that are getting legislators elected to pass favorable laws and judges appointed to get favorable rulings.

If the various ethics committees of the local bar associations ever raised their feasting dragonheads long enough to fire, disbar, castrate or excommunicate even half of their fellow deleterious legal curs, it would only be considered a good start.

Merely 10 years ago we had a President who got a congress of too damn many lawyers to pass the most egregious unconstitutional law — the unPatriot act.

Hell, more than half of the presidents of the U.S. – a country over-encumbered with huge debt, oppressive entitlements, a devastating crime rate, a failing educational system, excessive acid rain, and an embarrassing low-tech concussion plague in our insatiable sports entertainment industry – have been lawyers.

Is anyone paying attention? Don’t folks comprehend that this cabal of legal vampires have kidnapped justice and hid it in the law; that more lawyers live on politics and the public dole than all the flies on all the dead camels on and off the Sahara. That the problem is not that you can buy a congressman for $10,000, but you can buy a Washington lawyer for $100,000.

Are screams like mine no more than pieces of litter in the wind? No one is protecting us from the folks who are supposed to be protecting the public trust. They rule the law. They adjudicate the rules. And yet, they are lawless.

Outlaws.

And unanswerable.

No one is riding shotgun — like that rifle-wielding prison guard behind those mirror-sunglasses in Cool Hand Luke. These pettifoggerers of court-mockery are terrorizing an entire country. And, whether you acknowledge this or not, the fact remains: You can’t terrorize an entire country unless we all are accomplices.

Especially all the lawyers.

Apologists for the profession may contend that these legal beagles are as honest as other men, but this is not very encouraging. In fact, it is embarrassing.

In Pennsylvania, to cite only one notorious instance, we recently had nefarious juvenile judges in Luzerne County in a lucrative zero tolerance kickback scheme of kids-for-cash. It paid the magistrates millions of dollars for throwing youths, as young as 11, into for-profit detention jails. And sometimes for little more than skipping school.

And now I read in the Sunday newspaper where not only is the Philadelphia Traffic Court – surprise! — infested by the lowly, corrupted and ticket fixing judges, but our Keystone state higher courts, as well.

Never forget that most judges are nothing more or less than their unzipped, over-testosterone, fellow law school buddies who all belong to the same quid pro quo union. The only difference is that while it’s the attorney’s zipper, it’s the judge’s robe that won’t stay closed.

And what do lawyers do when they get caught with their pants down licking the genitals of the rich and powerful? Especially in the political pig pens?

They ‘lawyer-up.”  We commoners would be subpoenaed, fined, held in contempt and/or thrown in jail.

You know: Zero tolerance! Like those juvenile ‘judges’ in Luzerne County.

But the lawyers keep themselves out of due-process by invoking this so called attorney-client privilege. And that’s even when the client is the one suing them for malpractice, misconduct, incompetence, as well as being abjectly sycophantic to powerful, wealthy, guilty clients while sacrificing and selling out innocent, ordinary stiffs.

Curiously, all of the initial legal, and some of the ongoing fees, are being supplied by you and moi in matters of government and politics. Our taxpayer funds.

So, since it is millions, if not billions, of our tax dollars these scoundrels are overspending on dishonest billable hours that total up to them living longer than Noah, you would think these legal matters would be more transparent. Sunshine laws and all.

That the taxpayer, the payor, the footer-of-duh-bill has a right to know the truth and nothing but the truth in all these he-said-she-said-they-said-we-said-you-said prevaricating stories.

But of course!

But think again.

Unless you hold an elephant gun to their bank accounts you can’t get these slippery-slimy pernicious, anthropomorphic skunks to take a bullet for their wives or their beloved children. But you may get them to, at least, pause and ponder when you threaten to withhold paying dues for their private golf clubs.

The story in the Sunday press was about some lowly operative being thrown under the bus by the same big law firms also representing powerful Republican politicians. Written by an old press buddy it was my one-story-too-many.

It pissed me off! I’ve had it with my so-called lawyer friends who just shrug me off, while stating: “That’s the way the system is, Drew. I don’t make it. I just make a lot of money off it.”

Well, I can’t stands no more. Something’s got to be done before words are beaten in swords. This horse manure has got to be dammed up by the same bucktooth beavers who are damming up justice. We not only have a military industrial complex, we have a self serving, self non-regulating legal industrial complex.

We need reform before everyone ends sentenced to reform school. I agree that the necessary alterations and restructuring may be too serious a matter to be left to lawyers – especially to the 95 percent of the varmints who give the other five percent a bad name. But if not them, then who?

They did it! Now undo it! Otherwise matters could get awfully bloody.

I think it was that rope twirling satirist Will Rogers who once remarked you can’t make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer.

Lawyers, like journalist, are supposed to be the van guard in the battle of the oppressive manner of our governments and fellow man. You know: Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. And all that noble stuff.

If they won’t do it, then who will? If they don’t listen it is because they have refused to hear. If they don’t hold their own accountable, then we may soon be reduced to total madness. And the fair rules composed of simple words and common-sense-law may have long passed by our once clear-cut desires.

Right now the lawyers, their self-serving attitudes and shifty legal shenanigans have had us long retooling the Golden Rule to: Do unto others as they did unto you. Or before they do it to you. Or just because…

And that leads to nothing but war.

As always, the clear objective of war readily appears to be much simpler than the convoluted keeping of the peace. And that frustrating discomfort unleashes the passion of anger in our destructive emotions. We resort to our savage, atavistic nature. And in case you never noticed: Nature has no rewards or punishments; there are only consequences.

Indeed, those who live by the sword are shot by those who don’t.

As I once told the Philadelphia Assistant District Attorney who ineptly mishandled my ex-wife’s abominable charges against me before completely withdrawing them after 8 weeks of ineffable misery:

“If you would have done your job in the first place, matters would never have come this far.”

And dats yDrewIS on DIS penal colony…

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