Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. And this one time I’d rather give it to the lawyers. Who cares if they kill themselves? It’s time to start suing the Feds, State and local…

I was reading an editorial in a Philadelphia newspaper the other day that was absolutely bodacious. If not audacious! A few short years ago this would have been considered mendacious… Hell…downright heresy!

The Daily News was blatantly suggesting that we taxpayers should be able to sue – that’s right: SUE! – politicians, government agencies and any other incompetent civil and incivil dimwit on the public dole, to retrieve our misspent, misappropriated and misused money.

Short of torches and pitchforks, over-circumcisions and hangings I’ve been shaking the tree branches for this for decades! And even you lapel-flag-saluting Americans must acknowledge that this ain’t always been an inalienable right to my free speech guaranteed under the unconstitutional (un)Patriot Act.

So, just imagine: Suing the feds or state or local and quasi governments to make ‘em do their jobs. Or suffer real consequences. Like the rest of us. Perhaps losing their ‘hard-earned’ unctuous pensions. Or having their retirement dates extended to their graves to make up for all the time they weren’t working.

Or just some good ol’ frontier justice: Try ‘em, then hang ‘em.

The thought, indeed, stirs me in places that even Viagra can’t reach.

The trouble is: It ain’t ever going to happen.

It’s just another wet dream.

Whoops!

Was it good for you?

The first thing a politician or a government chief always does in office is protect himself. Change the old laws, if need be, but only for his benefit. Secure new laws. And repeat promises that he or she knows there is no legal recourse for him or her to keep.

The last thing he or she will ever do is allow themselves to be held responsible, accountable, and especially liable. It’s the way the laws are written. For their self-protection and self-preservation. Not for you, me and us.

In other words: We taxpayers be screwed. Pay up and shut up.

Everybody gets bailed out, bought out or paid out… except…Well, if you don’t know, then ‘who-you-be-lookin’-at!’ in the bathroom mirror.

They don’t spend money like it’s their limited, hard-earned family budget. You know, like they earned it the old-fashion way. They be misspending ‘other-people’s-money’.

My money! Your money! My mother’s money! Your children’s money…. And they don’t give a damn.

Well… I want my money back!

No, really! I mean it… And I don’t want to have to pay them to give me back my own money like we have to do at those independent ATM ‘slots’ machines. Which, as you know in these days of gambling-everywhere, the government is nothing but one big rigged casino.

You can’t even sue these ignominious bastards for defamation of their own character… Come to your senses, will you. They ain’t got no character.

Even District Attorney offices throughout the country have made a sham out of our government guaranteed rights. Withholding evidence. Prosecutorial misconduct. Incompetence and ineptness. And when their mistakes are uncovered in ensuing time after some innocent John Doe has lost 25 years being penned up with the other dumb non-farm animals, the DA’s merely shrug.

One even had the audacity to whine to me when I suggested her cellulite ass ought to be black and bruised. Her rebuttal was that the DAs office wouldn’t take ‘many’ kinds of ‘difficult’ and ‘marginal’ cases if they knew it could be sued.

Wow! I said. Why don’t you tell that to the docs you litigate when they lose a patient dragged into their ER with 10 seconds to live!

Look, you shouldn’t have to sue the government to get the services promised. That should be an administrative procedure.

Hmm…. That could be a scary thought…especially when you consider the administrative procedures under Bush and Dick!

Furthermore, it costs so damn much money and time. Even if we had a system where the losing team had to pay the winning team’s lawyers. As well as the rest of us.

Hmm… Now that’s a wonderful concept. You know… equal and opposite reactions…

But I like the idea that we’d finally be putting all those vermin – aka lawyers — to work doing something worthwhile. Which in most of their venal, vapid, vile lives would be doing just about anything.

Look, it’s no CIA secret that frivolous law suits are sapping the life out of us. The U.S. has more cost of litigation per person than any other industrialized nation in the world. It’s crippling our economy.

And no one – particularly moi – would argue that lawsuits should be used to destroy viable, independent businesses. But the government certainly ain’t viable. And it gains its independence on a similar ridiculous system as ex-wives do on alimony.

Government, particularly our over-sized amorphous monster is destroying us. But fighting it is like punching fog.

The solution to bad government – besides shooting the bastards…but bullets are expensive – lies in the marketplace. And the only viable marketplace we simple taxpayers seem to have is the courtroom. That is, if you don’t count our Second Amendment rights.

I know… I know… This whole concept of using lawyers for anything other than cannibal stew comes as a personal anathema. Maybe I’m learning in my riddled brain, to fight smarter. You know, let lawyers – instead of our conscience – be our guide.

Hmm… now that’s tiptoeing through the extremely criminal wing of the mental asylum.

But it isn’t so much as choosing the lesser evil twin. It’s more like the enemy of my enemy is my new friendly fire…

Hey, voting hasn’t changed anything. Shooting the bastards wouldn’t solve anything. You can’t kill the ‘undead.’ And castrating them doesn’t seem to make any difference. In fact, it’s redundant.

All we have learned is that giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. And this one time I’d rather give it to the lawyers. I mean, who cares if they kill themselves?

I’ve decided that it’s not only time to sue the bastards to make the feds, state and local governments actually do their jobs. But for many, if not most lawyers, it would be the first time they would have actually practiced what they supposedly learned after needing 12 tries to pass the bar exam.

Now that’s my solution. As you know, any government solution to a problem usually ends up on psychotropic drugs.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

 

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