Yesterday my cardiologist was both giving me hell while also being absolutely dumbfounded by my test results.
The curly-haired vixen wagged something that looked like a rectal thermometer. She excoriated about my cigar smoking, bourbon drinking and my unnatural diet of eating most any damn thing – except beets, of course. I don’t care if those maroon beasties do help fight cancer. I use to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
But looking at my stress test, MRI, blood results, vital signs and every other test that pays for her three daughters in college, my heart doc couldn’t fathom how I do it. That is, as a ten-year energetic survivor of an emergency quadruple heart bypass – performed by her renown husband — Dr. Lou Samuels – how could I be in the wonderful shape of the tip-top 99% of so-called normal people in a similar expansive age bracket.
And, except when she reached under my shirt to softly perform some deft, hands-on checking, my pulse was ONLY 53.
Now Fania and I have this understanding. I keep trying to seduce her away for a weekend. And she keeps laughing me away with a pat to my head while smiling: “You know I love my husband.”
What a revoltin’ development: He saved my life. And she tries to see that I maintain one.
She wagged her finger thermometer again: “You drink. You smoke… Are you trying to eat anything and everything…?
Hmm… Now, considering my lust for this Russian beauty, who treats most of Philadelphia’s Russian speaking heartaches, the answer to that could have been a whole lot more than the lusty smirk on my lips.
“Is that a proposition?” I wondered with a wink.
At that I recited an old but true anecdote: A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says sex (including masturbation) reduces risk of prostate cancer….
“It’s what I always keep telling you, Fania: It all comes down to diet and exercise. …And we could do both at once.”
I love the way her laugh sparks to remind me I really am a bloody idiot.
In truth, to compensate for my family history of bad heart genes I do swim or row vigorously most early-early mornings for an hour. I may not live longer. But I feel noble. And to tell you the truth, I don’t really trust a lot of docs any more than I do most lawyers, or any venal driven practitioners who keep ‘practicing’ but never seem to get it quite right.
And their institutions – such as the Amercian Medical Association – keep making inane pronouncements that may end killing more of us than save. And before their remedy is rectified in time – the doctors, Big Pharma, litigating attorneys and every other late night TV advertiser keeps making a lot of money around the big problem that often is nothing more than big business.
“It’s not what you eat,” I said matter of factly to Dr. Fania Samuels. “It’s the bullshit you swallow.”
And these days as people are still dying – or so I am told – whether they eat, exercise or drink appropriately, the flies are circling the putative 50-year-old bullshit of cholesterol. And of course, this, among other cause and effects, is very close to my aching heart.
Or maybe not.
A ways back researchers discovered that many people dropping dead, about to drop dead and destined to drop dead before serving out their life sentences, often had abnormally high amounts of cholesterol in the vessels about their heart.
Ergo! The conclusion was that something must be done about cholesterol. And Big Business and Big Pharma and Big Institutions like the AMA and the heart disease associations, all got the docs oriented to fighting the so-called bad cholesterol versus the good cholesterol.
However, now a growing group of docs and research is perhaps demonstrating that cholesterol may not be the problem. In fact, in 5 million years of evolution and development our body’s well-honed, sophisticated defense mechanisms may be marching cholesterol though our body vessels to battle the real enemy. That being the fat, ugly, dumb and stupid over-processed, transfatted, hybrid food, et al…that big business is cranking down our palates until something bursts – like a goose croaking into patè.
Furthermore, Big Pharma’s cholesterol-fighting gigantic moneymakers like Zocor and Lipitor may actually be fighting against what the body is fighting for. Like friendly fire, I guess. Or the CIA simpletons still not knowing which side is which and stands for what in Syria. Or Afghanistan. Or Iraq. Or Iran… Or…So, as always, we end up helping and hurting the wrong team.
If this growing group of doubting cholesterol researchers keeps growing – and are actually correct – don’t worry. You will be overdosed by reassuring officials of the government and corporations that everything is under control. And after a few subcommittees take about 25 years to make a lot of money writing up an investigatory report that will be thwarted by Wall Street investors you will have died from the cure – that may or may not be a cure after all. But you are still going to die anyway.
Hmm…. I think I see the money in the madness.
Now I don’t know, but are less or more folks dying from cancer and heart disease before we spent our entire great grandchildren’s inheritance on the research that made a lot of people rich? And the tired, sick, helpless and poor — even poorer.
Please excuse my cocky contempt for the authorities and their pronouncements always dictating what is good and bad for me – even after I die. And they live happily ever after on my money.
It’s going to take masses of doses of antibiotics for things to ever really change. It’s like trying to move railroad lines after 100 years. Look what Copernicus went thru convincing the big boys in the church that the sun – not the earth – was the center of the universe.
Everything is too entrenched. Training. Doctors. Associations. Lawsuits. Non-Profits. Subsidiaries for health, diet and exercise programs. A million organizations and subcontractors. It’s not about principles. Principles and morals are where their money be.
Because we are all so busy being distracted by football and such, we relinquish our responsibility to these institutions. And they become higher authorities. They are powerful. And they monopolize. And like hospital plans and hospital gowns, they only make you think you are being covered. Oh, we may think what we like and say what we think. But in the end, we must do what they say.
And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…