I am afraid we must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy… The surest way to remain poor is to be an honest man. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest…

A blind friend recently told me — only half jokingly — that he has never seen an honest man.

Hmm…

Come to think of it, neither have I. At least not one I could trust.

And the trouble is you can’t even trust a dishonest man, anymore. Because occasionally he may be telling you the honest truth. But I ask: Would you want to do business with a man who is 99 percent honest?

So I told my friend there is no such thing as a man willing to be honest. That would be like a blind man willing to see. Furthermore, I said, a man hates to be honest for nothing – except when there is more profit in it.

I got to thinking about this virtue of honesty the other day while listening to some radio programs. They somewhat illustrated that while our politicians wish to be perceived as doing an honest day’s work, paradoxically they want a month’s pay for it.

One radio interview was with one of our more perfidious human beings who also happened to be a former Vice President. And to be quite honest, he has always been a real ‘Dick!’ – excluding the fact that his name also happens to be Dick. As in Dick Cheney.

The man has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. In other words when he got circumcised they threw away the wrong end.

‘The Dick’ was espousing on those Edward Snowden leaks. You know, those revelations that the clandestine NSA, as well our other puritanical peeping-toms have been masturbating over our bedroom lives. ‘The Dick’ hrr-umped that these disclosures did harm to America’s safety.

Hmm…

This was coming from a lyin’ liar who shot his hunting partner, helped sink our blood and money into the deep barnyards of Iraq and Afghanistan, and sanctified the corruption of Halliburton and the erstwhile nom de guerre Blackwater…  And let’s not even go into all his other detestable, insidious ‘patriotic’ activities that stomped on the very constitutional rights he swore to protect.

Indeed, patriotism is a virtue of the vicious. Think of the Patriot Act.

It doesn’t seem to faze the undaunted ‘Dick’ that the security tech geek Snowden has been abundantly proven to be telling the blatant truth to a disingenuous world audience. And his American compatriots — unlike the overly enriched Dick — don’t seem to understand that there was nothing in it for Snowden – except a good ol’ honest conscience.

At least nothing else has been divulged so far. That is, unless you think that being shunned and witch-hunted by his country, and sleeping on a bench in Moscow’s Sheremetyevo International Airport for weeks equals the vast horde of ‘honest’ cash that assuages Dick’s heartless soul. (I may be wrong here, but I understand he doesn’t have a heart…really. Seriously, the guy doesn’t have a pulse.)

Hmm…obviously we hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office, where they can rob, rape and pillage under the guise of patriotism. Which brings me to the other radio program, the gist of which was: How much do we have to pay our politicians to keep them honest?

A Republican congressman from Georgia recently complained that his staffers can ‘hop’ a lobbying job and make $500,000 a year. And meanwhile he, himself, was ‘stuck’ in Washington making $174,000 a year — not including all the perks, benefits, haircuts, allowances and women in leather skirts far higher than their high stiletto heels.

Hmm…

So would paying these guys more have motivated them to do their jobs instead of closing down government of the United States of America for 16 days? Congress is already a plutocrats’ club. About 50 percent of them have a portfolio of at least $1.1 million dollars. Their salaries are three times the median salaries of their constituents.

And they want more? Especially when they’re picking on the bones of lowly welfare recipients, and multi-millions of folks who haven’t been able to afford healthcare?

If  Congress wants bigger bucks then take the leap and return to working for salaries that demand big results. In duh private world. Save us from this dishonest bullcrap. Them leaving on their own would accomplish what the rest of us fools are too busy with Face Book or football to do — vote them out!

We seem to forget that politicians are like nappies: They should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Excuuuuuse my ideological incompetence. But I grew up on the Weekly Reader and was told that a public office is not a job; it is an opportunity to do something good for the public — not yourself. Don’t they raise their hands and promise they won’t betray us by using their public office for private gain?

 Hmm… I think I need to up my dosage of Horny Goat Weed. This is making me flaccid. Obviously a good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

Look, I understand , as even George Washington noted, that ‘few men have the virtue to withstand the highest bidder.’ Yet, the fact is that being a politician, of any sorts, is a job of service. It isn’t supposed to make you rich. Ask a teacher, for crying out loud! 

Nevertheless I well understand human nature. Even I can resist everything except temptation. And while a virtue like honesty may be its own reward, most people are looking for a better deal.

It doesn’t matter what was promised on the election trail. They campaign in poetry but govern in propositions. Besides, from long experience I recognize that it is useless to hold a person to anything he says while in love, drunk or running for office.

Nothing really matters — at least until another member of congress gets caught in bed with a live man or a dead woman.

And shucks! Cheney was just one shotgun blast away.

But expecting politicians to at least do the job they sought and treat us fairly because we are their good voters, is like expecting the bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian.

And here I always thought an honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

 Alas. Alack. Like my blind friend said: He’s never seen an honest man.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

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