It’s better to be Jewish than gay because when you’re Jewish you don’t have to tell your mother. Racism is so stupid when there are so many more reasons to dislike people on an individual basis. Hmm… I thought racism was when you hated ‘others’ more than you are supposed to…

I must be a racist — even if the word racist is like ketchup these days. It can be put on practically anything. Heck, as that leggy, blonde neo-con once wrote: If only Al Sharpton were around, Lincoln would have known he was a victim of racism.

I mean I am Jewish. But for the last six years I have been one of merely four regular white-folk out of a 4400 congregation in a 99.9 percent black Baptist church in West Philadelphia.

And it’s merely a horny coincidence that my romantic interest of the past six months has been a woman from Haiti who’s not a Baptist… I think. It’s sometimes hard to tell.

She initially contacted me because we have a common interest – me. That is, my columns. Which give shit to everybody. And she, like that woman in the Ivory Coast, once asked me in the waking morning hours if she was the first black woman I had ever been with.

‘Could be,’ I replied. ‘You do look vaguely familiar.’

And, as the platitude goes, many of my friends are black, Jewish, Irish, Asian, Italian, Russian, European, Indians and so forth. Even those I don’t sleep with. (Sleep? Who duh hell has time to sleep?)

And we call each other names. Lots of names. I mean, besides mother-f-er – which I proudly am.

Like Dego, Wop, Kike, bleeping Jew, Shvatza, Mic, Commie, Red, If-you-are-French-raise both arms, meshugga…

When I worked and lived in West Africa their inculcated non sense of time drove me deeper into drinking long before breakfast. And we’d poke each other with all sorts of cultural monikers – like quit operating on bloody African Time you black bloody bastard.

And there were many other appellations which they readily branded me. But I won’t go into that here because of all the political fascists marching about these days showering the world with their lack of education – aka as zero tolerance – as well as a lack of amusement at the human confederacy of dunces… and so forth.


Did Charles Barkley really once publicly announce he doesn’t like white people? And did Jesse Jackson designate Chicago as ‘Hymietown?’ And is Michael Jordan really a racist capitalist because he reaps hundreds of millions of dollars for promoting companies that barely pay Southeast Asians or Pakistani kids something like 20-cents a day for making sneakers and underwear?

And so what? I really don’t care… if they did or not… or do.


I liked it then. I like them even better now. If they don’t do it, another sinner will.

I mean, let’s not be holier-than-thou. Don’t we still have private clubs that still bar certain races creeds and cultures? Don’t we have a plethora of bankers who have screwed us 99-percenters and still don’t go to jail. (Madoff only went to jail because he screwed the 1-percenters) Don’t we still have nazi politicians who keep figuring out ways to keep blacks and ‘aliens’ from voting?

In the South Philadelphia cigar shop where I puff regularly a Jamaican tells me I am a neurotic Jew. Which I always thought was redundant. And when I order coffee I tell em to get me a ‘Q.’ It’s the nickname of a comedic, stout, small black smoker there who orders a ‘Jew-boy’… meaning somebody else pays.

Sometimes I even respond when asked how-would-I-like-my-coffee: Like my women – hot and black.

The eye-talians there call me a cheap f—ing Jew. And I simply reply: Nu? That’s why G-d created Italians – somebody has to be dumb enough to pay retail. Other than that I refer to their lives as little more than the result of an uncommitted abortion.

The skinny crumpled Lebanese guy who comes in daily is called ‘unabomber.’ And he calls us…hmm… actually I don’t think anyone really understands what he calls us. He’s nuts. Like the rest of us. Even Father Paul, an erudite, cigar huffing-and-puffing WOP priest who’s nostalgia for the old Italian ways is almost as nostalgic as racism.

This cacophony in the shop amounts to little more than the madness of our life sentence on this planet that I sometimes refer to as duh Penal Colony…and other times as hell – because hell really is ‘other people.’

And I don’t care. And they don’t care. We are all sinners. We are all racists. As I was always advised by the magnificent former Newsweek and Philadelphia Bulletin black columnist Claude Lewis: A racist is someone who hates other people more than he is supposed to.

In other words. We are all judgmental. We are all our own worst fools. We are all caught in the friendly fire.

It really isn’t supposed to matter what you say — It’s simply how you say it. You can smile and tell somebody to go to hell, and they will laugh appreciatively. And thank you on their way. Don’t those rappers use the ‘n-word’ and ‘whitey; a lot. And didn’t the great, mold-shattering comic and satirist Lenny Bruce remind us that if you over-use a word – like the n-word – ad infinitum it no longer becomes a weapon.

Call me a Jew and I’ll reply – thank you. What would the world be without us? I mean besides Einstein and Freud and Spinoza and Mel Brooks and that nice–a Jewish boy, Irving Berlin, who wrote ‘White Christmas’… We’d all still be condemned wouldn’t we?

And call me a f-ing Jew and I’ll simply say I can’t be both. I mean those jokes we tell about our JAPs are what drive us to masturbation. You know: how does a Jewish couple do it doggie style?

He sits up and begs while she rolls over and plays dead.

Please, if you contend you are someone who hasn’t said something ‘anti-semantic’, especially among the unrecorded intimacy of your friends or family, then please send me your wife – because obviously her name is Mary. And she’ll believe anything: Was that YOU again, G-d? You’re such a naughty big boy…

Whatever. Just don’t be smug and overtly pious or you’ll end up lying more than Pope Pius XII. And if you pompously continue in such self denial I think I’ll just start calling you: Jesus. Or as they say in Puerto Rico: Hey!Zeus. Such a nice Jewish boy.

The greatest gift of America is its detour from life elsewhere. We all live in one big cul-de-sac — Black, Gay, Chinese, Russian, Irish Jewish, saint and sinner. We may not like each other, but we all, for the most part, get along. And after a few more generations this great experiment we call the ‘U-S of A’ will undoubtedly have a black President. I mean besides Bill Clinton.

But we still are what we are. We are only a few short years removed from Civil rights and liberties having to be enforced at the end of a gun. And far north of Alabama. And if you think we’ve gotten past all that just consider what is the most segregated hour in America.

Hmmm…. Try 11 o’clock Sunday mornings.

That’s why I love Judaism but still hate a lot of Jews. That’s why I love Christianity, but hate even more Christians. That’s why I love Islam, but hate a lot more Muslims… You get my driftwood here?

I don’t hate them to the point where I wouldn’t befriend them, work with them, hire them and even sleep with as many as my Viagra will enable. But I despise them for being stoopid. And ignorant. Abysmally intolerant. And just mostly uneducated to understanding that it is the differences among us that makes life so beautiful. Curmudgeons and all.

I know we all can’t help being stoopid. But admittedly I find it perplexing to fathom why we luxuriate in wallowing in our own pig shit. I accept us for precisely what we are. Because if stoopidity was a capital crime punishable by guns, knives, hanging and electrocution there wouldn’t be enough people left to bury us – or so my ol’ bourbon-sippin’ Pappy used to inform me.

So, I must thank everybody for enabling me to clearly recognize what I’ve already stipulated – that hell is other people. Like V. Stiviano… and other such female-canines that I hate – but not more than I am supposed to.

So now I guess I have to say something about that rich and soon to be richer poor schmuck Donald Sterling, as well as all the rest of us supercilious hypocrites out there.

I mean now that the NBA commissioner Adam Silver has banned him for life, I guess we should brand it duh ‘Sterling-Silver-ware’… And we should definitely call the femme-fatale: ‘Sooooo-eeeeeey!’ Just another unkosher pig.

She’s not the first woman to bring down an empire by doing little more than spreading her legs and her lips. Man is easy. He only needs a place. Whereas a woman needs a reason. But the one thing no man can fight is ‘whispers.’ And no body blows harder than Moby Dick… except the whispers of a woman scorned.

Without getting into all the details it is simply astounding all the brittle hysteria this illegal eaves-dropping ignited. Hells-bells the NSA peeping into our bedrooms and eavesdropping into our confessionals didn’t raise such a roar from so many sanctimonious pricks. Obviously this affected the busine$$ of America – even if I don’t quite comprehend precisely what is our business anymore.

In post mortem don’t you think it was a tad nuclear? What did Sterling do, I mean besides shower her with gifts? And ask his American-African-Mexican girlfriend — at least 50 years his junior — to not rub his insecurity and jealous dick in his face. He was obviously some fat little geek who was never allowed into the hip gang. And now he wanted the love and respect only his money could buy.

Perhaps it was the inferiority complex of a guy born not only into the country’s hellish Great Depression of the early 1930s but also a divided racist, anti-Semitic America.

Then again — la-de-dah. It just amounts to the fact that all us good G-d fearing folk just love to hate others. I just find it truly marvelous that it’s another little Jewish guy who probably had little idea to what he was doing in igniting this conflagration and uniting us. Like with Captain Dreyfus in anti-Semitic France well over a century back. Then of course there is Howard Stern.

I mean, am I being a tad dense to wonder what was so outrageously derogatory about Sterling referring to black people as black people?


I am sure I have said worse.

And for this he becomes a national pariah?

We knew and the NBA knew what Sterling always was when he first bought himself a seat in the rich man’s club by buying the team in 1981. Like Steinbrenner or Marge Schott, Sterling is an old old man in a young young world. An anachronism. A dinosaur. He certainly doesn’t reflect the world of our children who would probably just ignore him. As the iconic Magic Johnson should have simply done… tsk-tsk.

And certainly Sterling has less than a sterling past for which he paid a fine without admitting guilt. He certainly ain’t the first. And there are a long line of bankers and corporations and such goose-stepping ahead of him.

So how long are we to pay for the sins of our great grandfathers? When are we ever forgiven? Paid enough penalty? We apparently live in a brittle, unforgiving world ruled by fascists. They puritanically inflict us with the politically correct fashion de jour, rather than unconditional love. And I am only left to ponder why is it we are so armed and ready to hate others more than we are supposed to?

Hmm…So obviously I am not the only racist on this planet.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

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