You are what you eat. So I am fast, cheap and easy. But today the invective ‘Eat shit and die’ is being medically prescribed as ‘Eat shit and live.’ The Bedouins always knew of poop’s curative powers. So have animals. So what took us so long? To observe without reflecting is like eating without digesting…

Periodically, when I would go ballistic with one of my rants, my dear Mother, who still loves to be called ‘dear’, would pause and search my wild hazel eyes. Then after a moment or two she would exhale behind an endearing smile and evenly proclaim: ‘You know, Andrew, you are full of shit.’

Hmm…

And I would devilishly reply: “It must be in my genes, dear.”

And then she’d smack me. Up one side, down duh other. I think she was trying to knock the shit outta me. Or that aberrant gene.

But of course! Mommy dearest.

Apparently I was aggravating her irritable colon. Sometimes more than others. My mother is still very anal.

And whatever…

Which brings me to something I was reading recently that contradicts the whole invective of being ‘full of shit.’ Or, more to the point: ‘Eat shit and die!’

It seems that medical research has, in the past couple of years, been more than experimenting with a capsule of human feces – strained, centrifuged and frozen – that can cure a dangerous bacterial infection, known as Clostridium difficile. The malady has defied antibiotics and kills 14,000 Americans each year.

And, in case you didn’t know it that must put C. difficile in the top 20 causes of death just in the U.S.of A. After all, consider that suicide ranks 10th with about 40,000 per year. Heart disease and cancer are at the top of the registry each causing about 600,000 annual deaths. Ebola hasn’t hit the charts… yet.

And the ‘pills’, are ‘relatively’ cheap (especially compared to the standard method of fecal transplants), fast and easy. Just 15 pills a day for a couple of days, and voila! Oh, what a relief it is. And it’s got something like a 90% success rate.

So I guess the urban diatribe splashed across T-shirts, delivered in playground debates, written into movie scripts and scrawled on the walls of public bathrooms is going to have to be changed to: Eat shit and live!

Alas… alack… Somehow the message just doesn’t have the same impact. Nor that satisfying ‘taste’ to it, now does it?

Sort of like someone bleating: Go f-k yourself. And you meekly reply: Well, at least it cuts out the middle-woman.

Hmm… But who wants to – except us guys overpaying alimony.

Now that’s some bad shit.

Anyway, I don’t know what has taken us so long to arrive at what seems to make simple common sense. That is, except for the yuck! factor. It’s always been an accepted dietary mantra that if it tastes bad it must be good for you. You know: You are what you eat.

And I am fast cheap and easy.

Very easy.

Hmm…

Apparently we have been long observing this fecal phenomena without reflecting upon it. Which, I am informed, is like eating without digesting. In other words, our bodies are like a garden – we just have to better learn what to nurture and what to weed.

I mean, for what seems like a couple hundred years Bedouins have recommended consumption of fresh, warm camel dung as a remedy for bacterial dysentery. We have already modestly utilized fecal bacteriotherapy – feces from a close kin or spouse implanted in patients suffering from intractable diarrhea. And we’ve long had a name for the consumption of feces – coprophagia.

Meanwhile, even the animals and insects have forever been spreading the word.

Dung beetles, flies, pigs, dogs, cats, termites, rabbits, hamsters, and what-not eat feces to maintain proper nutrition. It’s high in protein and vitamins. The young of elephants, pandas, koalas and hippos eat feces of their mothers or other animals in the herd. This is to obtain the bacteria required to properly digest vegetation found on their ecosystems.

Gorillas and chimpanzees have perpetually been observed gobbling up their own, as well as the feces of others. We figure this may serve to improve absorption of vitamins or of nutritive elements made available from the re-ingestion of seeds.

The list goes on and on. And this is really good shit. And just for your etymology information there is no truth to the urban legend that SHIT is an acronym for ‘stow high in transit.’ It was presupposed from the days when animal feces was used as fuel on ships. And if you stowed it below deck, then the methane would, allegedly, build up. And a wayward match or lantern would result in a ‘thar she blows!’

Hmm…

I guess I am so fascinated by all this scoop on poop because there so often seems to be a simpler, more elementary, and even natural solution to so many of our supposedly complex ailments. Including mental health.

For those of you who weren’t sick or abroad you may recall that I put pen to paper a couple weeks back about scientific evidence accumulating on the beneficial effects of relatively tiny doses of the natural element Lithium. Far and wide ranging studies have demonstrated that the higher the miniscule doses naturally found in various water supplies corresponds to dramatically lower levels of suicide, homicide and rape.

No shit!

And now, naturally, I — like most folks in dis meshugga world — am genuflecting before the non-denominational altar of medicine, science and research. It’s like a group prayer where all religions have finally discovered a common enemy. And that the enemy of my enemy is my brother. And no matter what you may call G-d we are all on our knees hoping that such a simple, basic cure can be quickly discovered for our latest rampaging monster, Ebola.

It should be something simple. I mean aren’t most of such diseases simply caused by man sticking his ‘winky’ in simply anything… and everything.

Hmm…

I mean keep it simple, stupid. After all, I’m not the only nincompoop who has discovered that a simple daily little mixture of baking soda and hydrogen peroxide makes a toothpaste that is a bigger, better and much more cheaper way to whiten your teeth and help prevent gum infections.

Unfortunately – and we have to admit to it having more than a whopping tablespoon of truth — simple solutions aren’t valued precisely because they lack financial value. For instance, because lithium is simply a salt found in groundwater and easily accessible mines, pharmaceutical companies churning out expensive antidepressants have little to gain from such a ‘cheap, ubiquitous element.’

And so it is with poop. We breathe, eat and spew bullshit every day. And unless you’re stuck in reticent Victorian etiquette you do realize that ‘everybody poops.’

But that shouldn’t stop Big Pharma and Madison Avenue from repackaging the same ol’ shit as something bigger, better and just expensive enough to make us all believe that this new shit is great – for you. For me. And for the stockholders.

And never forget: What is good for the stockholders is good for America.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

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