I’ve got to start watching more porno. I mean, unlike life, everybody seems to be enjoying themselves – no matter how they’re getting f-ked. And meanwhile I think I’ve figured out why jihad ‘martyrs’ want virgins in heaven…

I have always wondered why Muslim jihadist ‘martyrs’ desperately want 72 virgins as part of their reward in heaven. And now in the wake of their savage Paris slaughter of journalists and others at the Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine I think I have finally figured it out.

The reason such men want virgins is because they can’t stand criticism.

Obviously.

And their punishment should be having to satisfy a Jewish wife. Because we all know what a Jewish American Princess says during climax:

‘I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige…’

And we all know what a JAP does with her asshole every morning…

Sends him to work!

Yet what we apparently don’t know is what makes these jihadists feel so impotent… feel so over-circumcised. After all, guys like me and the rest of my over-circumcised Jewish landsmen have obviously gotten over it. As well as most of our other taboos.

I mean, hell, these days we Yids drink like Russians and screw like Irishmen.

Hmm… Or is that supposed to be the other way around?

Whatever…

What these despicable, vile, vermin – not only those assholes in Paris, or the douche bags at the Boston Marathon, or the ‘allahu akbar’ rapists of school girls in Nigeria, or the dickless head choppers in Darfur, or the camel humpers in Afghanistan and Iraq – don’t seem to garner is the function of criticism and free speech.

And that is: They are the best weapons against al Qaeda, Boko Haram and any other such extremism and tyranny.

Because the greatest threat to freedom is the absence of criticism. Criticism is the witty nuclear booms of intellectual weaponry – especially when it delivers humiliation. It levels the playing field to keep the society open.

And in case you didn’t know why people demand freedom of speech, I’ll tell you: It is compensation for freedom of thought which we seldom use.

Just for a rare moment let me put it to you more poignantly. And perhaps the thought will provide you a moment of immaculate reception. Ah-hem:

It is the function of free speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears.

Hmm… Now dat be some deep shit.

Okay, I’ve said it. Now let me hear you roar and slap your knee – even if you can’t see your knees and toes no mo’.

I know – Irrational fears!

Now that’s a bloody joke, isn’t it? Irrational fears in an irrational world… with thin-skinned people too stoopeed to laugh at themselves from the shadows.

But of course!

Everybody with two-eyes and a nose should recognize that to criticize a person for their race is manifestly irrational and ridiculous. But to criticize their religion… now that is a right. That is a freedom. No one and nothing is above criticism. And that includes Judaism, Christianity, Mormonism, Buddhism, Hinduism… and particularly Islam – because obviously it needs more character.

And a much better sense of humor. Take it from the Jews – laughter really is the best medicine.

Hmm… But I digress.

What I really wanna do here is SCREAM!!! I really wanna roar that blood-curdling squeal of a man who is just one anti-depression pill away from going postal in his birthday suit. Someone who suddenly discovers that a semi-automatic howitzer and a 4-hour Viagra erection is just a start.

It’s not that I think I am right… I KNOW I am right. You don’t kill somebody because they disagree with you. You kill them because they are stooooopeed! There ain’t no cure for stoooopeed. And you definitely don’t want them to propagate – unless you can eat them.

There are way too many stoooopeed people who think they’ve got an absolute right to do little more than piss and shit, watch football and drink beer like they suddenly discovered it ain’t just for breakfast anymore.

Hmm… Doesn’t the new year already seem old and too familiar?

But of course, bad news never arrives at a good time. Even when you’re drunk. At least for me. Because it is so sobering. And on my constrained budget I hate wasting a good buzz. Because the next morning I can’t quite figure if I am feeling bad from a hangover… or just badly hung over the shitty news backing up the port-a-john.

Gee… the things you gotta think about when that early-morning spotlight is glowering like last night’s haughty lesbian bartender who suddenly grew a dick about me refusing to even consider having sex with men.

“I wish I could,” I told her. “But I couldn’t have anal sex with people I respect.”

And then after I paid my bill and tipped her much better than the man-hating-female-canine deserved for barely fetching me a few beers, she bellowed that it was good that I was leaving because she was about to throw my ‘homophobic’ ass out.

And you wonder why I feel I’ve wasted my backhand on tennis all these years.

Hmm…

Apparently I haven‘t quite figured a lot of stuff out yet. But I do know that the holidays are finally retreating with my year-long interest-free credit cards that are now assaulting me with 22% rates. My landlord is still promising to fulfill at least the major 8 move-in punch-list items that are now 19 months old. My 94-year-old mother and her two brand new heart stents were hauled back into the hospital to get zapped with a defibrillator. The Palestinians are decidedly winning the war on who is the biggest asshole. That is, except for the Republicans who are now revving their anti-Obama engines on low-price gasoline. Nobody has bothered to find those 300 prepubescent school girls still missing in Nigeria. Darfur has taken a turn for the hearse. Russia’s Putin is searching his long-johns for his next hostile takeover…

And the latest is that a couple of pusillanimous scum-brothers savagely killed all those journalists and other folks at that satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in Paris. Their punishment should be a good old-fashion pig-f-king, followed by crucifixion. And this time bring enough nails so they don’t have to cross their legs.

So welcome to the bloody damn new year. Apparently our prayers for peace on earth, good will towards men have gone unanswered — for yet another trip around the sun.

Nothing ever really changes, does it? And nothing is really ever what it seems. Because once you get passed the perfumed smiles and pearly whites what you’ve got is a bunch of bad people who don’t care what the hell they are thinking – only that YOU are wrong.

Hmm… You know, good people may sleep better, but bad people seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I don’t know what we’re (especially me) is supposed to do about all this craziness and stoopeedity. The UN is about as worthless as the tail of a dog which neither covers its rear end nor protects it from biting insects. I’d say we need the Yahweh of the Old Testament to inflict the fear of G-d. But the only thing feared in America these days are white cops, black guys in hoodies and NFL referees who can’t see pass interference by the Dallas secondary.

Hell, even the President, who can’t see his way to the Republican side of the aisle, saw it.

I guess I just need to sit back, drink more and watch a lot of porno. At least in them everybody seems to be enjoying themselves and getting off — no matter how they are getting f-ked.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

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