The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for $$$ usually costs a lot less. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of problems. I have a tremendous sex drive – my girl lives 75 miles away. But today’s new rules of sex are driving us all nuts.

You know that look women get when they want to have sex?

Me neither…

But back in college one evening, sultry, buxom Penny suddenly decided she wanted to wrestle. We were strolling across the deserted soccer field. And for some reason – perhaps because I participated on the college wrestling team – Penny started hopping around in front of me, like wrestlers do in the first period when they are testing each other, engaging in the challenge.

Both her long straight auburn hair and her luscious melon breasts were bouncing. And she was taunting me with: “Come-on! Afraid I’ll pin you?”

Hoping, actually.

Then she poked me nicely where men like women to poke them nicely.

Indeed I was stirred. And Penny and I were ‘friends-with-some-really-good-benefits.’ But I told her to cut it out. She had on skin-tight white jeans. And I admonished they would get stained by the early spring grass.

Okay… Okay… back then I really didn’t know much. You know, things like: Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. And that one should never pass up the opportunity to be on TV… or have sex.

Anyway the groping match was engaged. Buried in our laughter were shrieks and screams that pierced the darkened sky.

And then buttons started getting unbuttoned. And zippers unzipped. And we got to making all sorts of beastly animal sounds… talking naughty and dirty. And just as I was eagerly trying to wrestle off her jeans this strange couple suddenly appeared, peering over us.

Hmm…

Imagine my surprise. And urgency. I mean, in those early, overly excitable days I was so premature – that is, fast — I could have double-parked at a whore house.

In the starlight I couldn’t tell if this uninvited couple were bent from carting hefty biology books or Methodist bibles. But the short-hair woman was hysterically demanding to know: Just what the hell did I think I was doing!

“Are you trying to rape her!? Is this a rape?!”

The guy’s eyes meanwhile were busy consuming Penny’s bared parts.

Hmm… But of course!

I didn’t think this was a really good time to be my usual smart-ass self. You know, say something to the effect: If it wasn’t for rape I wouldn’t get no sex at all.

I could feel myself going limp. And more than a tad annoyed. Those kind of emotions collide and smash at such times. It can be more than a bit painful. Something akin to a town called Blue Balls, Pennsylvania. Just outside Intercourse. (I ain’t kidding.)

“Rape?!” I stammered. “Rape!? What the hell are you squawking about?!”

At that I cast my voice towards Penny and snorted. “Am I raping you or are you raping me?!”

Penny didn’t reply.

“Penny?!” I asked again. Again no answer. I looked back over my shoulder. Her dark eyes were glistening, staring straight up into nowhere. And her rosy lips were parted in an annoyed smirk. A very annoyed smirk.

“Come on, Penny. Put your two-cents in here. Help me with the nerd police.”

At that moment so many years back I didn’t think about being in any sorts of real trouble. Nothing like guys find themselves in these days. I guess you have already heard or read about how couples may soon have to sign a sex consent agreement. A demonstrable pre-coital assent through every step of seduction and consummation. Where yes means yes. And ‘no’ means much more than merely ‘you’re too small.’

I don’t understand all this. People supposedly want less government intervention, yet here we are today demanding that the state decide exactly what is allowed and isn’t when it comes to ANY physical contact. And that may include whether a man is allowed to even take or squeeze the hand of a woman.

I don’t know if that is also vice-versa, because we men will allow a woman to take most anything! You know, like the car, the house, the kids, the rugs… Even my hanging asparagus fern plant.

Go figure!

Anyway, all this agreeing to agree and disagree certainly does have a way of killing the passion of the moment. In case you’ve never noticed: There is nothing more likely to start disagreement among people — or countries — than an agreement.

So much for romance.

And now, I understand, the 4,000 member American Law Institute is trying to figure out how to update the penal code for sexual assault. By the way, the code was last revised in the early 60s when dope was never cheaper, the rock and roll was never better, and sex was never freer.

And all I can say with all these mounting rules and regulations today is that we are being overly circumcised by intellectual thugs who have found one thing more interesting than sex.

The trouble is that if this new law of ‘affirmative consent’ is passed — like the illegal, unconstitutional Patriot Act — you never know what it will lead to. Six months later a woman who didn’t want her hand held is belatedly filing charges against you. And some politically-correct judge is determining how much of your life to sentence.

Hmm…

Political correctness, like the NSA Snowden exposed, has not only invaded our bedrooms, it has eaten canyon-size moth holes in our psyche, our civility and our dignity. Everybody is too afraid… Or too intimidated to just laugh off this insanity.

To be quite frank: I don’t understand why people rape. But I am not naïve. Of course I know it happens. Too often. And I am of the undeterred conviction that any guilty man – or woman – should be punished severely.

But for me, sex is emotion in motion. I don’t mean having my eyes scratched out. Or someone kneeing me in the groin. But indeed, it is a grand way to get to know the neighbor’s wife.

Let me clarify here so as to not be misunderstood in a world where everyone is trigger happy to misunderstand: Rape – that is something definitely unwanted – is unquestionably heinous and egregious. It must be dealt with severely. And I mean something on the order of stoning.

However, I am talking about forcible rape. Not some political incorrectness. Not something allowed to be determined by some humorless feminists. I mean leaving the designation of sex to feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

Hmm… I wonder what I meant by that.

After all, sex is a basic need. It’s like oxygen: You don’t miss it unless you ain’t getting any. It’s how we connect. It reminds us we’re alive. And, it’s the third most basic human need – after lobster and good movie popcorn.

Meanwhile… from the mouth of Penny came a scream that swelled in operatic volume. It was the sort of scream you bellow when you can’t believe the madness around you is actually transpiring. And you are just glad you can’t get your hands on a gun… or a machete.

And the first thing she screamed was: “I thank G-d that I was raised catholic – so sex will always be deliciously dirty!”

Hmm… Now that has possibilities.

At that she sat up and drew a hard breath – one of those sucking between your clenched teeth and gum — and barked directly at the odd couple.

“Why are you two invading our space!? You have the whole soccer field to mind your own damn business!”

And after another recomposing breath, she continued:

“It’s nice of you to be concerned. But don’t be stupid about it! Don’t judge before you observe. Was I screaming for help? Was I screaming for him to stop? We were doing what people do from time to time. Believe it or not, sex is a part of nature. And I go along with nature. Even your parents did. You two ought to try it. It’ll give you something to do – besides staring at my breasts!”

Hmm… Yeah… give it to them, girlfriend!

Exhausted and still fuming, Penny slapped back onto the grassy field. And resumed staring at the starlights. “Now go back to whatever failed lab experiment you crawled out of and try doing what you rudely interrupted us from doing. Sex isn’t a sin! It’s idiots like you who are a damn sin!”

“Yeah,” I boldly offered. “What she said.”

But the moment soon passed. And Penny and I rebuttoned and rezipped and wandered back into the direction of the student union building for a coffee and sandwich.

We laughed about it later. And joked about how puritans are afraid that someone, somewhere may be having a good time. Good intentions are grand. But that stupid people never doubt that their intentions are anything but good… And we laughed and sipped our coffee.

Unfortunately today none of this is a laughing matter anymore. We are in the process once again of defying common sense. Capital punishment has never deterred murder. And yet we think this ‘affirmative consent’ law (or contract) that is being considered will do something that bad men and evil women never ceased doing since horniness and revenge long ago won the battle to dominate our raw human emotions.

It isn’t workable. And will do little more than overly harass our already overly harassed, overly lawed and outlawed lives. Rape, like murder, robbery, pillaging, cancer and any other sin has always been with us. And will continue as long as men are men and the sheep run scared.

Hells-bells… There are too many laws and too little common sense. I understand that there are still around 10 states in the USA that outlaw premarital sex. And many more states where adultery is still outlawed and a crime.

Say what?! I thought that was only in some Arab state where they sleep with camels and stone their wives.

Hmm…

There is nothing more sinister than a horny man or a woman scorned. There are always perverts and pedophiles amok among us. There are cancer cells always in our bodies. And there are always gonna be bad parts of town.

That is life. And life is life.

If that sounds bleak, then allow me to remind you of that old joke I once told in front of a meeting of high-jack-booted, flannel-shirted, glowering female members of a Women Against Rape (WAR) group.

Joke: I stopped a rape last night.

WAR member asked: Oh yeah… how!?

Me: I changed my mind.

And isn’t that what’s got to happen. We’ve got to change our minds. No law can really do that. We break G-d’s commandments. We break enforced and unenforced laws. Obviously all we need to do is break-away from thinking we have the right to do whatever we want, at any time, to anybody.

Once again: We’ve got to change our thinking.

And like I said at the beginning: The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for $$$ usually costs a lot less.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

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