There are two things people want more than sex and money — recognition and praise. That’s why everybody’s running for President. However, if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughed, was it a joke? And that’s why I’m voting for the Donald…

During the last few days I was reading some newspaper stories that reminded me that life is pretty funny when you realize how absurd it can be.

Like, about the guy from Pennsylvania seeking to have sex with a horse in Arizona. And about another guy in central Pennsylvania getting drunk and ‘romping’ naked with market-size hogs in a barn he broke into.

And about Philadelphia native Bill Cosby drugging women to have sex. (Hmm… doesn’t that sound like a Jewish doggie-style joke? He sits up and begs while she rolls over and plays dead.)

And about that Philadelphia area Catholic School — whose church protects priests who like to get down and grunt with altar boys – suddenly firing a beloved, middle-aged, lesbian teacher for being in a gay marriage that everyone at school knew about since they hired her 8 years ago.

And that story about all these ‘gentlemen’– some naturally from Pennsylvania – looking to go horizontal while regularly and routinely flying off to Laos for $60 a pop sex vacations with some of duh lovely natives.

And then I saw a picture of former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at a sit down TV interview. And I connected the dots: One was known for screwing ‘pigs.’ And the other for screwing the entire country.

Hmm… And a lot of folks from Pennsylvania voted for both of them.

At that, this old joke – deliciously politically incorrect – popped into my head… A-hem!

This macho dude, purportedly a Pennsylvania transplant, was boasting that he could stick his ‘johnson’ in the mouth of a crocodile and leave it there. Sooo, he wrestled up a crocodile. Stuck his wee willy in the jaws of death. And just before the future contributor to shoes and belts snapped his mouth shut, the ‘dude’ raised a mighty fist and punched the croc right in the eye.

And within a millimeter of castration the croc’s jaws froze in suspended animation. The dude repeated the demonstration twice… each time walloping the croc mightily in the eye. And the jaw stopped instantly a millimeter away.

At that the dude snorted to the crowd and challenged: ‘Anybody else wanna try this?!’

And a member of the Key West LBGTQ, purportedly not from Pennsylvania, raised his hand and squealed: “I will! I will! But just don’t hit me that hard.”

Hmm… If you can’t laugh about sex you shouldn’t be doing it.

Like I said: When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just wanna punch everybody you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

And that’s when I decided I am voting for Donald Trump. Oh, by duh way he went to the celebrated Wharton School of business. That’s in Philadelphia. Which for youse guys ‘edikated’ in Philadelphia public schools I feel the need to remind you — that’s in Pennsylvania.

Hmm… You can never be too crazy, dude. But you can be too sane. And Donald Trump is one crazy haircut. Can you imagine him negotiating with the Saudi Princes. Or with Russia’s Putin. Man, I want back my journalist’s front row seat on history.

They’d be talkin’ ‘bidness.’ And not just the art of the deal. I like him even better now that the Huffington Post announced it isn’t going to ‘politically’ cover Trump’s campaign. “Instead,” Huffington spouted, “we will cover his campaign as part of our Entertainment section.”

In other words, as a side show.

Reminds me of the time a few years back when the Press Corps informed Ralph Nader they weren’t going to cover his campaign for President because he had no chance of winning.

And Nader responded: “Then why are you covering the Washington Nationals?” The Nationals, at the time, were a horrible start-up team that was even worse than this year’s horrendous Philadelphia (as in Pennsylvania) Phillies – that have a grand chance of losing 110 games.

Look, let me repeat, just in case I didn’t already repeat it: Trump is a solipsistic, petulant New York ass. But that doesn’t make him a bad guy.

Okay, so his questioning Sen. John McCain’s stature as a war hero merely because he was captured wasn’t quite captured right by the Press. Trump was criticizing McCain for his long years of disservice in office. He was disparaging McCain for ‘failing miserably’ to fix the situation for veterans and make it possible for Veterans to successfully manage their lives. In other words, for McCain’s long (and way too long) being part of the problem instead of the solution. I mean, wasn’t he duh guy who brought us Sarah Palin.

Hmm…

And that’s why I like ‘the Donald.’ He’s breaking duh rules… as usual. Even my compatriots in the Press fail to see him as delicious opportunity. The Press is being too stodgy. They’re sniffing haughtily like they are part of the establishment – instead of the cuckolds we’re supposed to be.

With Trump, nobody is safe. And nobody should be. And ain’t that grand. Congress, including Sen. McCain, has put us all in Hanoi Hilton. As Trump put it bluntly, many of his competitors for the Republican Presidential nomination are “failed politicians or people who would be unable to succeed in the private sector.”

All too true. And Trump, like a caricature, is merely putting the face of a joke on the body of truth.

Think about it.

I have learned a long time ago that if you want to get folks to recognize the stoopeedity constipating them, then you’ve gotta shove an enema hard and far up where duh sun don’t shine.

In other words, to get the legislature to deactivate a bad law then what you’ve got to do is get the judicial branch to ‘enforce it strictly.” This exacerbates the inanity. But it ain’t happening. Instead we’ve got the U.S. Supreme Court ‘legislating.’ Because Congress is too busy wrestling sex with former students and their Page Boys. Not to mention having their wives hump the local business execs for campaign donations.

Hmm… If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you’ve been too busy watching football. And you deserve the anal sex you’re getting.

And all the while we keep talking about the dire need for reforming our ‘bad’ political and campaign laws. As well as the ‘politicians’ they’re supposed to reform.

Yeah, right.

And now we have 16 entrants leaping the Republican Presidential race. – so far – and five Democrats. And each candidate is going to have to raise and spend about $150 million – just to win the primary. And probably double that to win the election.

That is absurd. And who really wins in the end? It’s nothing but a shell game of money. It’s as stupid as thinking that bail money will set you free. Bail money only sets the rich free.
So who’s getting rich? Not us poor folks, certainly. Politics and campaigns are not only keeping us poor as a non-voting, apathetic nation, they reflect poorly upon us to a world where we are trying to inflict democracy.

Hmm…

I guess I am favoring Trump because I am like most Americans: Bloody damn fed up with the way things are. The whole mess… In Washington… In our state capitols… In our city councils… In our corrupted unions… our failing churches…. Everywhere.

Trump, at least, is somebody else and definitely different. He’s a business man. And we need to return to the basic tenet that made America great: What is good for business is damn good for America.

Furthermore, Trump ain’t a bloody damn lawyer – that venal, vapid, vile cabal to whom we have abdicated not only our thinking, but our common sense. We have enabled them to launch the icebergs. To doom us all.

In addition, Trump obviously isn’t any ball-less equivocating politician. He may be an even bigger, blustering jackass than most of us. Yet he is what America was built upon — Brains. Brawn. Balls. And Bullshit.

It was rumored that he could have been a professional baseball pitcher. But why settle on firing fastballs, when you can fire the world.

To tell you the truth I really don’t know if I actually prefer Trump; I just prefer him over all the rest who are too boring, too banal, too Baptist and too abysmal.

He’s too rich to be bought. And he’s too bloody arrogant to fail. But, in the end he won’t be elected because we are boobs – we hate the way things are. And we abhor change. We shiver in our hovels.

But the reality is we need a guy like this who will march in and fire everybody.

And I mean EVERYBODY!

Just like Samson we need someone to bring the house down. And once more, what have we got to lose – except bad government. And I mean bad. As in ugly. Think of a wart-nosed, shriveled witch cackling about a boiling potion pot. We complain about our politicians… and yet we keep putting the-same-them back in office.

Isn’t that how we define insanity, absurdity and stoopeedity?

Hmm…

Let me reshuffle the deck here a bit. Like I posed up top: If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it a joke?

What Trump said about Mexicans was racist and stupid. And what he said about McCain was perhaps a tad distasteful. But not because it wasn’t something many of us haven’t wanted to bring up and stipulate before. The truth has gotten lost… again. Vietnam wasn’t a war. It was nothing more than a conflagration of greed and ambition. It was a lie all the way from the Gulf Of Tonkin to McNamara’s ‘Mea Culpa.’

And what have we got to show for it today – except 58,000 dead Americans. A couple of hundred thousand of ‘walking dead.’ And bad Veterans Hospitals to service them.

Nevertheless we still must honor and thank, indeed, those who served and sacrificed freely … or drafted… even if our country lied to them. And to us. The CIA  fabricated the pictures. Manipulated the stories. And once more the young were sent to die while the old got rich.

Trump is only saying what the rest of us should at least be cogitating. And not allow the castrating political correctness to keep us from posing.

Then again, yes, as I keep repeating… Trump is an elephant-sized-ass. But he’s our ass. And all that most of us are doing with our asses is sitting on them.

Let me put that another way: Trump is what he is. We know that Trump is a bombastic, self-serving bloke going in. That means he’s not going to disappoint us coming out. And isn’t that why we hold elections – so that anyone can run… and even someone like Harry S. Truman can beat the odds.

After all, isn’t it up to us – duh voters – to decide for ourselves.

Hmm… If all you expect in life is disappointment, how can you ever be disappointed? It’s not as absurd as it sounds. You know, like having sex with horses and pigs… and crocodiles. We do it in spite of ourselves.

And dats yDrewIS on dis penal colony…

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