Tag Archives: Americans

There are two things people want more than sex and money — recognition and praise. That’s why everybody’s running for President. However, if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughed, was it a joke? And that’s why I’m voting for the Donald…

During the last few days I was reading some newspaper stories that reminded me that life is pretty funny when you realize how absurd it can be. Like, about the guy from Pennsylvania seeking to have sex with a horse … Continue reading

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Potty training is supposed to happen at home. So why is the government, the police, our lawyers and our courts still shitting on us in public? If everybody forgets to tell the truth what is the purpose of the police and witnesses. And if the courts forget its purpose is to reform as well as punish, then why this charade? Obviously we need to spill blood… because sad people remember the laws of G-d and man more than happy ones…

The other Thursday I decided to have a real-old-fashion Thanksgiving celebration — like the Pilgrims and the Indians. So I prepared a feast for my neighbors and friends. We ate. We toasted. We consummated with a few squaws. And then … Continue reading

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You are what you eat. So I am fast, cheap and easy. But today the invective ‘Eat shit and die’ is being medically prescribed as ‘Eat shit and live.’ The Bedouins always knew of poop’s curative powers. So have animals. So what took us so long? To observe without reflecting is like eating without digesting…

Periodically, when I would go ballistic with one of my rants, my dear Mother, who still loves to be called ‘dear’, would pause and search my wild hazel eyes. Then after a moment or two she would exhale behind an … Continue reading

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Judgment usually comes from experience. And experience often comes from bad judgment. The real war is not between East and West – it is between intelligent and stoopid people. Circumstances cause us to act the way we do. Keep that in mind before stupidly pre-judging the actions of POW Bergdahl…

A law professor friend once instructed me in the chicanery of legal sophistry this way: If you have the law on your side, pound the law; if the facts are on your side pound the facts; but if neither are … Continue reading

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Half the doctors in this country graduated in the bottom half of their class. And when a man with high fever lacks mental balance these docs say he is delirious. Yet when he lacks mental balance without the fever, he is pronounced insane by those ‘smart’ doctors… Indeed, something’s making us crazy…

Maybe I wasn’t asking the right question. I mean, I called the drug store in deep throaty despair and asked the pharmacist to prepare some antibiotics for me. I was dying. Okay, so we’re all dying. But my death was … Continue reading

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In this national emotional whirlpool of guns, Newtown slaughter, movies of Osama’s noble revenge and torturing evil men let me warn you: Fear rules! Fear makes strangers of folks who would be friends. The greater the fear the more government controls you, me and everything…

One time a few years back in West Africa we got caught in a bit of a fire fight. These very unsophisticated-looking, unsmiling fellows were shooting and throwing pointy things at us. And it was no use trying to convince … Continue reading

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Tis the season to confuse sports, sex and the savage desire that our boys from Saskatchewan, Venezuela and our asphalt jungles kill your bums from Russia, Puerto Rico and your asphalt jungles…

At this season of the year, when everything has bloomed, only to be doomed to choke, turn colors and eventually drop dead like a leaf in autumn, the sweaty rosary beads of hope spring from our homes and taverns and … Continue reading

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