Tag Archives: Arizona

If a man watches 3 football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. No one in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. And meanwhile, I am having a breakdown…

I am not absolutely certain, but I think I am having another breakdown… which I am sure doesn’t come as a surprise to any of my exes. Undoubtedly, they figure I broke down years back – especially after I tied … Continue reading

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Hell, this is enough to make me want to put a bar in the back of my car and drive myself to drink. For today I am an orphan. Tomorrow I’ll still be an S-O-B. But today I am going to drink into tomorrow and think about how the best woman I ever knew is now only in my yesterdays…

I immediately knew why my brother-duh-heart-doc was calling from his vacation trip in St. Petersburg, Russia… just as my cousin knew why I was calling her cell phone in the early morning. And why my cousin Bob surprisingly called me … Continue reading

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There are two things people want more than sex and money — recognition and praise. That’s why everybody’s running for President. However, if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughed, was it a joke? And that’s why I’m voting for the Donald…

During the last few days I was reading some newspaper stories that reminded me that life is pretty funny when you realize how absurd it can be. Like, about the guy from Pennsylvania seeking to have sex with a horse … Continue reading

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What we usually consider as impossible are simply engineering problems — there’s no law of physics preventing them. After all, ‘we’ are an impossibility in an impossible universe. And to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd… And there, gloriously stood the Freedom Tower…

It wasn’t jealously. But something was displeasing Rita… No doubt, partly, because I had suddenly – almost rudely — ceased being solicitous on a Sunday afternoon she had been absorbing my attention. At least for the two-hours from the moment … Continue reading

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G-d couldn’t be everywhere, so he made mothers…My mother has had a great deal of trouble with me. I think she’s enjoyed it even though she barks that having me as a son makes her wish she could go back to being a virgin…

My 92-year-old Mama was earnestly informing me the other day that she never had morning sickness until after I was born. This is the very same Big Mama who regularly dismisses my simple-minded humor as insensitive, tactless and downright ludicrous. … Continue reading

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Now hear this! If you go thru any life and death medical trauma you will inevitably suffer a depression like Post Traumatic Stress. Unless you have an ex-wife who screams that you are bloody nuts. And the nutty docs listen…at first.

I’ve always maintained that there is never a time you can’t find the humor in matters – even when you’re perched before a firing squad. I mean, what the hell…what the hell…what the heck…hang yourself up by the neck. You … Continue reading

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The secret to life is birthdays: the more you have the longer you live. And my mother has now lived for 91 years. Her secret? Like the weather, there is nothing you can really do about it. Just keep the rust off and don’t expire like something in the refrigerator…

I first met my mother when she was around 30. It was during a February blizzard in the Pennsylvania dirt-road countryside. Due to our country doctor’s miscalculation, I arrived six weeks late. And I’ve been making up that for lost … Continue reading

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