Tag Archives: Hallmark

My imaginary friends think I have serious mental problems. Hmm… We’re all fools on this penal colony called Earth. But the worst fool is one who maintains his dignity to avoid any embarrassment of regretting his regrets. And indeed, there are certain birthdays that cause you to revalue your life…

More than a few years back on a foreign talk show prying into some of my global misadventures that might have proven only a tad less disastrous than ISIS, I was suddenly and incongruously asked, if I had any regrets. … Continue reading

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My New Year’s resolution was to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. Actually I don’t make resolutions except to annoy more people… more. Besides, I just hate Hallmark holiday greetings. I prefer to simply ask folks if they are still having sex…

The other day my old friend Dudley, whom I haven’t talked to in a quite a few years of fallow fields, called from North Carolina. And somewhere in the ceremonial catch-up conversation he wished me a Happy New Year. I … Continue reading

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If you’re in the front row of the parade and you stop walking, pretty soon you’re back in the tuba section. But if you want to keep leading the parade you’ve got to keep striving, being extraordinary… And that’s another reason we shouldn’t be having a parade for a Little League team that finished 3rd…

I may be wrong here, but the way I understand it you don’t get a gold medal for beating ‘somebody’ — you get a gold medal for beating ‘everybody’. Surprise… surprise… Once, way back in high school, I got a … Continue reading

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G-d couldn’t be everywhere, so he made mothers…My mother has had a great deal of trouble with me. I think she’s enjoyed it even though she barks that having me as a son makes her wish she could go back to being a virgin…

My 92-year-old Mama was earnestly informing me the other day that she never had morning sickness until after I was born. This is the very same Big Mama who regularly dismisses my simple-minded humor as insensitive, tactless and downright ludicrous. … Continue reading

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If G-d were dead then nothing would be prohibited. Then you could kill all those SOBs who simply piss you off. But would you? That is, before your angry neighbor might do it first unto you. Yet, can you really afford to wait until the tide goes out to find out who’s swimming naked…

Let me ask you mano-a-mano: If you had the opportunity to kill someone – without fear of punishment or blame – who had committed a vile, heinous act upon you or a loved one — would you? Before you answer … Continue reading

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