Tag Archives: heart

Mother’s Day can be a torment, especially if your mother’s been dead less than a year… Men are what their mothers made them. And my mother was slightly insane. She told us baked potato skins were bad for us – so she could devour ours. Hmm… I write a mental letter to my mother every day… and apparently so does my brother…

The other night with all the Mother’s Day promotions stuffing my email inbox I sent my brudder-duh-heart-doc in San Francisco a short note. I know, I know… I must be getting old. But I do have my rare moments of … Continue reading

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A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. But the trouble is most of us are too fat to run. These days most everything we put into our mouths makes us fat. And what comes out of our mouths is fatuous. Indeed, what we eat in private shows in public…

I can honestly say that I have never told a woman that she is ‘fat, ugly, dumb and stupid’ – even if she was sooo fat and ugly that when she threw a boomerang it refused to come back. However, … Continue reading

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Being on steroids makes you manic. Being in bed too long makes me horny. And I’ve been in bed on steroids for 10 days. So I am bloody nuclear! And here is what I figured out to do to save ourselves… and America: Maybe I ought to run for President — like just about everybody else. So pray for me…

Back a few too many decades ago when I was about four, I lay dying in a hospital bed in a small mill town. For weeks. The docs had absolutely no idea what was wrong. Nevertheless, they did what they … Continue reading

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You are what you eat. So I am fast, cheap and easy. But today the invective ‘Eat shit and die’ is being medically prescribed as ‘Eat shit and live.’ The Bedouins always knew of poop’s curative powers. So have animals. So what took us so long? To observe without reflecting is like eating without digesting…

Periodically, when I would go ballistic with one of my rants, my dear Mother, who still loves to be called ‘dear’, would pause and search my wild hazel eyes. Then after a moment or two she would exhale behind an … Continue reading

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Remember that stress doesn’t come from what’s going on in your life. It comes from your thoughts about what’s going on in your life. And though some things hit you harder than a heart attack an optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets to laugh…

In a serendipity manner the other day my cardiologist got around to telling me that there is a problem with my heart… again. I protested that that was impossible… I mean, I divorced that problem. She’s gone. Cost me everything. … Continue reading

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There are no birthdays in the Bible. And in modern times there is no cure for the common birthday…but there is a temporary cure for flaccid aging men. Unfortunately my pill dropped somewhere on the restaurant’s carpeted floor. And there I was screaming to fellow diners: Don’t anybody move!…

Towards the end of my marvelous birthday repast Saturday nite on the storied Moshulu, a 4-masted 110-year-old converted restaurant ship moored along Philadelphia’s never-to-be-completed Delaware River renaissance, I tried to sneak my one-and-only Viagra pill… but dropped it. But of … Continue reading

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I want to be buried with a mobile phone, so I can get in the last word…Besides, the cell phone is a good way to talk to people without having to buy them a drink…And now my new phone actually ‘demands!’ that I articulate clearly and not mumble. Hmm…The rain in Spain falls mainly and plainly on eating my girlfriend for dinner?

A few years back when I had my evening drive-time radio talk show, an elocution expert called me on air one evening. She insisted that I needed ‘coaching.’  Desperately. Apparently I mumbled and chopped words so badly she thought I … Continue reading

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