Tag Archives: Hollywood

As you get older it’s harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary… I guess. But just because I ‘accidentally’ saved the chief’s life, shouldn’t have made me his hero. And then he offered me his daughter. Oy-vey! Heroes don’t get wives, they get all duh women… don’t they? Sooo, what is a hero?

One time, a lot of years back, in West Africa, after a rather raucous conflict that involved shooting people who were spraying bullets and other harmful objects our way, a tribal chief tried to reward me with one of his … Continue reading

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It’s impossible to get a conversation going these days. Everybody talks too much… and says too little. The Paris climate talks were a waste of oxygen. Everybody’s accusing The Donald of using up all the oxygen in the room. And meanwhile we have yet to deprive the ‘terrorists’ of their oxygen. It’s time to take a breather – grab your oxygen masks…

Back long before puberty and even a few years before I began dousing my breakfast coffee with bourbon I used to listen as the morning news reports interrupted the popular music playing on our small town local radio station. And … Continue reading

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You can’t do anything about the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Fear is the static that prevents me from hearing myself. Composure is swallowing my panic 5 minutes longer than everybody else. And then there was an explosion in the subway… and everybody went into panic mode.

So there I was last Sunday. Waiting, eternally as usual, for my streetcar transfer in the subway underground. Beneath Philadelphia’s City Hall. Trying to go to church to pray. Because when your week has been the hell your demons set … Continue reading

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Listen up! There is no life without sex – married, single or symbiotic. So does it follow that since I’m not having sex with anything I don’t have to inflate, that I don’t have a life?….Well…. But of course!

My dear ol’ bourbon sippin’ Pappy used to exhale between those omnipotent puffs on his omniscient corn cob pipe that: Sex is alot like oxygen – you don’t miss it unless you ain’t gettin’ any. So why does it seem … Continue reading

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Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. You see how simple the law should be — for animal, mineral or vegetable…

When somebody I barely know asks – especially when it sounds like a regal, imperious demand — what do I do, I often reply, quite earnestly: I sell white women in Africa… And that, as they say, is often the … Continue reading

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A lesson I learned from my dear ol’ Pappy: you give people a warning before you shoot them. It may just be precisely what G-d had in mind…

My dear bourbon sippin’ Pappy fired his .45 caliber Army pistol, shattering the still, late-night air. About 20 minutes later he did it again. I didn’t know what he was aiming to shoot. Without a moon there was nothing much … Continue reading

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Our clowns in Washington bailed out everybody. So who is going to bail us out from them? Hell, whose going to shoot them? It’s time to cut the cake so that everyone thinks he’s got the biggest piece…

Just when I got to thinking that Congress couldn’t possibly do anything dumber, it goes and dumbfounds me…totally redeeming itself. Please correct me if I am wrong – then again, don’t. I really don’t care anymore. But I thought it … Continue reading

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Why is it that a little man with a plan can’t get a loan, but we give Wall Street, oil thieves and foreign potentates more money than they can bury in offshore accounts?…. Because a man with a plan is considered a crank – until his idea succeeds.

At one booth in one of the many festivals and regattas swelling the city last weekend fat folks and thin folks and folks who might as well be naked seeing it didn’t really make much difference, all gathered in large … Continue reading

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Tipping makes no sense: Why do we tip Pierre $20 for bringing a $100 steak at night, but only tip Gertrude $2 for delivering a $10 plate of eggs in the morning? They’re performing the same services, aren’t they?

I never really mind bad service in a restaurant. It makes me feel much better about not leaving a tip. I know I am standing in a long viral line to spew some angst here, but I do have issues … Continue reading

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I can’t help myself: I am cursing. I am stoned. I am armed. And I am heading off to Washington. And no one can stop me because I am perfectly legal

What I want to obtain from my doctor is a written medical opinion which stipulates I have been diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome. Therefore, under the American Disability Act, I simply can’t help myself  — for cursing. At everything. At anytime. … Continue reading

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