Tag Archives: turkey

When I am in a bad mood I don’t listen. And all of us have pretty serious mood swings. Fear may be the mother of morality. But evidence is accumulating that the relatively tiny doses of lithium in our ground water does improve our moods. So let’s add some more…

I was conversing with a group of psychiatrists the other day when they all got around to nodding and smiling like a bunch of fraternity pranksters. They were giddy at the idea of adding more lithium to our water reservoir … Continue reading

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Since we already know that everybody lies, why do journalists risk their lives to tell us what we already know? Because that’s what we do. And we’d do it even if we weren’t getting paid to tell you that you are stoopid, ignorant and foolish. Because it is so much fun, even after the deadline…

The question being shrilly postured and posed today in the horrendous wake of yet two more journalists being beheaded is: Why do reporters take such risks? And I have a simple answer: Because everybody lies. Everybody. It is almost failsafe … Continue reading

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Everywhere except America they are storming the Bastille. Or charging like the Light Brigade into City Halls. What is it going to take to get our obese butts off the Barcaloungers parked in front of 900 channels to nowhere? For me, it was a trip to the supermarket…

I can’t even go to my local supermarket without getting totally exasperated. About most everything. Maybe I need anger management. You think? I mean that’s what my last future-ex-wife contended in court. But soon the judge and Assistant DA had … Continue reading

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Next to the circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out of town any quicker than the Christmas spirit. But commercially speaking, if there wasn’t Xmas we’d have to invent it — even if we do forget its true meaning: you know, the birth of Santa

When my last ex-wife and I would celebrate Christmas – and Chanukah – I would plead with her each and every year NOT to buy more gifts for the kids than could fill a supertanker. At least keep the massive … Continue reading

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A Chinese prostitute once promised: I make you harder than Chinese math. Yeah, I got schtooped, but at least I got what I was paying for – unlike the lies and lying bastards running us deeper into recession…

I stopped in one of those fancy organic supermarkets, during one of my recent nightly forays, to get a couple of apples. As in two – no more, no few. Apples, the source of original sin. The temptation that sunk … Continue reading

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The secret to life is birthdays: the more you have the longer you live. And my mother has now lived for 91 years. Her secret? Like the weather, there is nothing you can really do about it. Just keep the rust off and don’t expire like something in the refrigerator…

I first met my mother when she was around 30. It was during a February blizzard in the Pennsylvania dirt-road countryside. Due to our country doctor’s miscalculation, I arrived six weeks late. And I’ve been making up that for lost … Continue reading

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